Opening to Partnership

Last year I noticed a pattern in my relationship. Whenever my partner and I spent long periods of time apart due to our frequent out-of-town business schedules, coming back together was seldom easy. We wanted to fall into each other's arms and recreate our finest moments together -- but more likely, we didn't connect. We got angry, I cried, he got angrier, we had a miserable time. As I pondered this unpleasant pattern, my inner guidance started speaking to me in language a workaholic could understand. It said, "A relationship is like a job. It's important to find one you love but then you have to work at it. You don't show up for work and think it's going to be one long picnic -- you expect it to be challenging, even hard sometimes, and that you are going to put a lot of energy into it. You don't question if this is the right job for you every time it's not all fun. When you put a lot of energy into it, it flows and is fun. It becomes deeply rewarding and it pays well. But when you slack off, everything falls apart pretty quickly. What's more, then you have to deal with problems that arise because of your slacking off -- that are not an inherent part of the job. At best, your job challenges you to stretch and grow. It can even make you rich, but it's no free ride! And neither is a relationship."

As I sat and thought about this, it occurred to me that the times we most seriously considered the question of whether or not we were right for each other were around those times of "slacking off." Could it be that our problems had less to do with whether or not we had found "The One," and more to do with our willingness to do the work?

Perhaps "doing the work" needs to start with a complete change in expectations. Instead of expecting to find the Right One and then settle into reaping all the blissful rewards of "living happily ever after," we need to see a relationship as an opportunity to undertake potentially rich and rewarding work. This means giving up the notion that whatever we need, our partner is there to give. Part of "the work" has to do with owning rather than blaming. That means taking responsibility for being the source of your own painful repeating patterns, and looking at your partner as a reflection of your own inner harmony or lack thereof, rather than the cause of it.

The following exercise will help you clarify the roots of your repeating relationship patterns through working with some of your core beliefs:

With paper and pen nearby, relax and spend some time quietly reflecting on your past relationship experiences, especially the most recent (or the most emotionally charged). Pay attention to any hurtful and repeating patterns.

1. Assume that whatever experiences you have had reflect something about your belief system. For example, if you tend to have loving, supportive relationships with women and disappointing relationships with men, it's not because of the way men are. It's because, on some deep level, you believe that men are going to treat you differently than women; subsequently, you attract people into your life who will play along with these beliefs. When we project all the blame onto other people, we usually go on to create similar experiences with new players. You can break this cycle by using a bad experience to show you valuable information about your core beliefs (which often remain stubbornly invisible). Once you have uncovered what you believe, you can change it.

2. Write down one or several simple sentences that describe any repeating patterns that you don't want anymore. For example: "It's too hard to meet anyone I could love" or "Relationships start out great but then I feel suffocated."

3. You can begin to work with these beliefs by turning them into positive affirmations. An affirmation is a statement of what we now want to become true. By writing and/or repeating an affirmation over and over we literally begin to reprogram our unconscious beliefs about reality in much the same way that we might reprogram a computer by feeding in different information. What we think is what we create, so as you give more time and attention to a new thought than you have previously given to negative self-talk (i.e., the little voice in your head that constantly reminds you why relationships never work, people always leave, there aren't any good men (women) out there, you're not attractive enough, you'll never get your needs met . . . etc.) you will start to create new scenarios.

Always phrase an affirmation in the present tense, as though it has already happened, as in "I am happy" as opposed to "I will be happy" or "I want to be happy." Express your affirmations in terms of what you want rather than what you don't want, as in "I attract loving relationships into my life" as opposed to "I no longer attract liars," and phrase them to be about you rather than another person, as in "I am deeply loved" as opposed to "My partner loves me."

For this exercise, create an affirmation that counters your negative belief statement using similar language and style. For example, "It's too hard to meet anyone I could love" might turn into "It's easy to meet interesting, desirable single men (women). I now attract the perfect partner for me." "Relationships start out great but then I feel suffocated" might turn into "Relationships start out great and then keep getting better and better."

If you are single and want to be in a relationship, get clear about your motivation before diving in. Sometimes fear can push us to couple up too quickly after a relationship has ended. Some people have their next partner picked out before even leaving a relationship. If this is you, it may be important to leave some healing time -- to feel the loss, to feel whole and content as a single person, before coupling up again. When the drive for partnership is strongly motivated by a fear of being alone or a fear of feeling the pain of loss, it is highly likely that you will plug right back into repeating negative relationship patterns. The more you are motivated by fear, the more you will create experiences that feed your fear.

If you are single and feel frustrated by your desire to be in a relationship, fear is probably standing in your way as well. The fear of never finding a partner can become paralyzing and turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. If no one is showing up in your life, even if you think you are doing all the "right" things to inwardly and outwardly demonstrate your readiness, instead of assuming that something is wrong with you or that there is no one out there for you, look to your fear. No matter how great your desire for partnership, if measured side by side next to your fear, fear is likely to come out bigger. This could be a fear of being hurt through opening to love, or it could be you are so afraid of never finding a partner that this fear has a greater emotional charge to it than your excitement and anticipation around finding a new love.

To heal fear, imagine that what is going on in your mind right now is creating your next relationship experience. Monitor your thoughts, moment by moment, and ask yourself if these thoughts reflect the relationship you want to draw into your life. If you find that you tend to dwell upon what went wrong in the past, what's missing from your life, or what you are afraid might happen in the future, consciously shift your attention to thoughts that inspire hope, wonder, and joy.

Lynn Woodland offers workshops on many topics related to empowerment, transformation, and healing. For information on these, call 1-800-666-0872.