Support: A Guide to Giving and Receiving Abundantly

Ralph was hired into his "dream" job at an accounting firm with a big salary and lots of responsibility. Ralph was not your typical accountant, he was a marketing manager who was hired to develop new lines of business for the firm. It was a big step for the firm; having hired few non-accountant employees, they were eager to see Ralph expand their business. Not being exactly sure what he would need, they gave Ralph carte blanche in terms of budget and resources to make it happen.

Being the creative type, Ralph jumped in, developed a new line of services and began actively marketing them to the firm's clients. Business poured in the door and soon Ralph was struggling to keep up. Ralph's boss, Frank, kept asking him if he needed anything -- people, resources, etc. -- and Ralph, being the proud guy that he was, said, "No, of course not." Frank was left feeling perplexed because Ralph was not requiring the kind of support that Frank was used to giving.

For his part, Ralph assumed the only support available to him was the resource he could see his boss had to offer -- namely, accountants who did not understand the new aspects of the business. That was not what he needed. Ralph was unable to communicate what he did need, partly for fear of looking like he couldn't handle his job and partly out of his desire to do it all on his own. Consequently, Ralph started to burn out and feel very alone. After anxiety-filled, sleepless nights and seventy-hour work weeks too numerous to count, Ralph finally talked to Frank about what he needed. As a result, Ralph hired a part time person with the appropriate skills and shortly thereafter the workload was under control. Ralph learned a valuable lesson -- that support was available all around him, that he needed to communicate his needs and that sometimes the support givers need to be educated on how to help.

Do you work with Ralph? Are you Ralph? I think there is a little Ralph in all of us. In the past two years, I have learned a valuable lesson about how to enrich my life and the lives of others, how to connect more with other people, achieve goals and complete projects I thought were impossible. I have learned the importance of giving support to others and receiving it in my own life.

As I begin to write this article, I can't help but feel somewhat hypocritical. Here I am sharing my thoughts and experiences about having support in life, something -- giving or receiving -- I have not yet conquered in my own life. I have much to say about the concept of support . . . and I thought that before I could mention it, I had to be an expert myself. I was wrong. The only "wrong" thing is not to share an idea, dream or inspiration whose time has come. I would like to offer to you an expanded definition of what support can look like and encourage you to open yourself up to giving and receiving more of it in your life.

The sad thing is, most people don't know what support is and they don't know how to ask for it. Support is as individual as the person receiving or giving it, which means that it requires a good listening ear . . . not just listening, but really hearing.

There are myths that exist around the issue of support. The first myth is that all people are receptive to the same kind of support. For example, I used to think support was being bailed out financially, having it made easier for me and being shielded from anxiety or challenge. For me, the quick financial "fix" was disempowering behavior which kept me from doing my best. However, with financial support, someone else -- for example, an entrepreneur who needs investors to launch a new business venture, may benefit greatly. Support, whether given or received, is subject to individual interpretation and emphasizes the need for a good listening ear.

Another myth is that asking for support (help) from others is a sign of weakness. In fact, asking for support is a sign of strength -- because as we share our vulnerabilities with others, we develop more of a connection with them. The most challenging part of support, from my perspective, is asking for it. Learning to identify what we need and then communicating it appears to be one of the largest hurdles for many people to overcome.

Clearing up these common myths is only the first step to creating more support in your life. The next step is defining just what support is for you. The following profiles give a glimpse into what support can be. While you may not find every suggestion to be appropriate for you, they may offer insight into the ways in which you can support others in your life.

Support can be communicating: Support can be experienced through unsolicited help, through synchronicities -- such as introductions to the appropriate people and the particular guidance or mentoring that you need suddenly appearing before you -- once you have communicated your dreams, desires, goals and fears to others. Communicating your intentions to other people may allow support to flow into your life and allow others to take a stand for you. For instance, if you communicate your desires about the gifts on your Christmas wish-list, you are more likely to receive something you need or want. Conversely, if you do not communicate what you want or need, you are likely to get the kind of gift (or support) that is not what you need.

I have witnessed magical transformations when people talk about their aspirations and dreams in front of a group. Listeners suddenly generate encouragement, ideas, people to contact, and provide a sense of hope that this idea/dream can really happen. A man at a recent workshop I was facilitating was unclear about his dream and therefore was hesitant to talk about it with the group. He shared with us that he does not feel like the person others perceive him to be and also that as he shared his pain, he was beginning to feel very connected to the group. Through the process of sharing and being his authentic self with others, he was clarifying his dream -- to establish and nurture more connected relationships in all areas of his life. He subsequently started his own support group to carry on the work he began in the workshop.

Support can be creating an environment for people to communicate: By creating an open forum where people feel safe to share their fears or concerns about a project, life obstacle or issue, support can be provided in an effective manner. Some individuals require more time to explore the obstacles and need patient, caring involvement from others in order to ask for the specific support they need.

Support can be giving people tangibles: For some, support can be experienced through constructive advice and specific suggestions instead of a pat-on-the-back "Atta boy." When I think back on when I have been supported most effectively, it was when someone spent the time to coach me and teach me specific things I needed to know to be a more effective presenter and facilitator. Recently, I was preparing for a presentation to a large group of bankers and was apprehensive about asking for suggestions on how to create group interaction for more than 100 persons. When I communicated my anxiety to a friend who is a seasoned presenter, he gave me two pieces of advice that were helpful. The first was introducing me to a professional speaking organization where I could meet and network with other speaking professionals and the second was suggestions for two interactive exercises that work for large groups.

Support can be encouraging people to commit and be accountable: One man was able to take a huge step in the direction of his dream -- which is to sing. His project involved arranging a children's musical Christmas program where he and friends (supporters) sang to sick and mentally handicapped children at two different hospitals and schools. He had been wanting to sing to children for the three previous holiday seasons but had never communicated it to anyone. After his successful experience, I asked him what he felt support was. He said it was the encouragement of others, listening and being asked, "How can I help?" He also shared that declaring what he wanted in front of other people and being held accountable for completing his musical project by a specific date kept him motivated to keep going.

Support can be serving as a model: Doing your own work (personal growth, pursuit of a dream, etc.) and serving as a positive model for others to observe, contemplate or maybe even follow can be a good way to support others, especially if these people will not ask for support or don't like unsolicited suggestions. By sharing our own experiences, we can provide hope or shed light for others who may be listening and are experiencing a similar thought, dream, vision, etc. All of a sudden, they are not the only one with a "nutty idea," and have discovered a common ground with which to connect with other human beings.

Keep people current by communicating what is going on with you, what your projects, dreams, goals and fears are so they know who you really are and what you need.

Tell five people (who do not already know) about a dream or project you are working on or would like to work on.

Express fully your feelings and emotions to people. Holding back is living less than optimally. Fully expressing emotions and feelings allows for connection with others, which can lead to support.

Ask people for input or suggestions on how to improve on a project you are working on.

My experience has shown me that with support there are many possibilities for accomplishing more and creating the type of life I want. I have been the beneficiary and the benefactor of many life-enriching gifts since learning about support. My dream of being an entrepreneur is a reality because I let others support me on my journey. New friendships have appeared in my life and I have a sense of not being alone -- because I am learning how to reach out to others. Learning about support has changed my life. It can change yours, too.

Joseph Sullivan owns his own market research, consulting and public speaking firm, Market Insights, in Chicago. For information about workshops and speakers, call (773) 348-7752.