Money and Spirit Forum

How can I act spiritually with someone who is taking advantage of me?

This is one of the hardest questions to answer, especially when it pertains to financial dealings, since the spiritual approach seems to run counter to our feelings of justice and fairness.

The best way I can think of to examine this question is to share with you an incident that I had in which I was feeling mistreated. By looking at what I went through, perhaps you can better understand the spiritual challenge that unfair dealings present.

My wife and I went to Colorado to stay in a Bed and Breakfast that I had seen advertised in a magazine. When we arrived early, the owner wife seemed flustered and refused to let us see the room we had reserved. She said that the room wasn't ready. Since the doors on all the other rooms were open, we could see into them. They were light, spacious, beautiful and ready to be occupied. The fact that the these rooms were ready and our wasn't didn't trigger any doubts in us. We assumed we were getting a similar room to the ones we had seen.

When we returned two hours later we were distraught to find our room was much smaller and darker than the other rooms. What bothered us most was that the room was just as expensive as the other rooms.

Though the experience was not a major upset to us, as I look back on it, I realize I went through most of the common emotional reactions that most people have when they are experiencing a more egregious act of unfairness.

Let's examine these reactions:

OUTRAGE

I was outraged at the owners for taking advantage of us. The wife had prevented us from seeing the room. When we came back it was too late to move to another place. The price of the room was too high for what we were getting. I think I wouldn't have been so upset if we weren't celebrating our anniversary, and I wanted everything to be perfect. That in itself is a naive desire in any financial transaction.

VICTIMIZED

Once the anger subsided, I felt that I was the victim of the owner's conspiracy to cheat me. I felt helpless and depressed. In this emotional state, I couldn't think of anything to do. It not only sapped my energy but made me feel bitter.

SELF-CONDEMNATION

After feeling the victim, I started to condemn myself for not having asked for details about the rooms so I could have evaluated them before making my reservation. These feelings seemed to be validated when that night I had a dream that I was having to tell my French professor that I hadn't done my homework. However, when the professor asked me specifically about verbs that I couldn't possibly know, I realized the dream was telling me I couldn't be responsible for knowing how the owner would treat us.

DENIAL

The next morning I tried to slough off the experience, saying the universe had a purpose for doing this to me, and I didn't need to do anything about it. Since I hate confrontations, I tried to use this excuse to deny my need to deal with this issue.

My willingness to stay in denial didn't last long as I realized that I couldn't rest until the issue was resolved. My wife and I spent a good deal of time discussing through our feelings and alternatives and decided to confront the owner. Since by that time we were able to see the many good aspects of the Bed and Breakfast, and we also knew that the power was in his hands, we didn't want to anger him. When we first explained how we felt, and asked to get another room, the owner had refused without making any apologies. During the following days we made a special effort to take an interest in him and his property. He slowly warmed up, and at the end of our stay, when we gently explained that we felt mistreated and asked him for a discount, he agreed to give us one, and we parted on good terms.

To resolving unfair financial transactions, we often have to first air and work through the kinds of negative emotions that I felt. These emotions can be so powerful that they prevent us from making wise decisions.

We need to accept these feelings as a natural response to an unfair situation and not let them overwhelm us or move us to actions that we would later be sorry for. Our actions need to be guided by what we feel will give us real peace of mind.

Fred Brown, personal financial consultant, is the author of the recently published book, Money and Spirit, published by A.R.E. Press. The book can be ordered directly by telephone at (800) 723-1112. Visit Fred Brown's Home Page. To contact him on line, use 03111,3337@compuserve.com or telephone (505) 466-2436.