The Personals -

There was a time when I was a Personals snob. Although I was an avid reader of the Personals (isn't everybody?) it was just for entertainment (doesn't everyone say that?) and I had secret judgments of people who used them to seriously look for love: they're desperate, needy, too hard up, can't get a date.... Then as fate would have it (the fates have a wicked sense of humor), there came a point when I found myself taking a little detour from my "serious" business of leading personal development workshops to lead what I considered "fluff" -- a singles event.

I was a little taken aback that it was better attended than any event I had ever led before. One singles event led to more and before I knew it, I found myself writing a column ("serious" articles) for one of the papers I write for regularly, all about doing the Personals. I started talking to everyone I encountered who had had an experience with the Personals and my weekly "entertainment only" perusal of the ads took on the studiousness of research as I sought to discover how people went about advertising for love.

The first thing I noticed was that most Personals ads, even in different states, sound alike -- "I like movies, music, dining, and moonlit walks...." The few ads that really told me something important about a person were the ones that I noticed (and sometimes even secretly fantasized about answering).

I experimented with writing an ad (just for research purposes, of course) to see what went into the process of describing myself, my hopes, my dreams, my perfect mate, all in 30 or so words. No easy task! I understood why so many fall back upon "movies, music, and dining..." and leave it at that. As I struggled with words, I found that I had to get clear about what I really want, who I really am, and what is most important to me. The process of finding the words, though difficult, helped me to clarify my intent, which I find is always an invaluable step in the process of getting something I want.

Inevitably, I took the plunge and placed my ad, which led me on a thrilling adventure. It was an exercise in intuition to decide which respondents to contact. The quantity, quality, and types of people who answered my ad provided powerful feedback regarding what I am attracting with my conscious and unconscious expectations. I noticed that when I felt a powerful sense of trust and certainty that I would meet an interesting man, I did, and when my faith level was low, so were my interesting responses. I met several important teachers in the process and finally met a man with whom I developed a more serious involvement. The following are some suggestions for making the Personals fun, safe and fruitful.

The Personals can be a fun way to gain dating experience and a powerful exercise in listening to your intuition. The people who show up in this way can be a wonderful source of feedback, showing you what you are creating with your thoughts and intentions.

No amount of searching for the right partner will prove successful until you are truly ready to find him or her. And when you are, the finding need not be labor intensive. It simply requires being in the right place at the right time in the right frame of mind, or answering the right ad, or getting the one right response. There is no need to screen countless potential partners unless you are having fun doing so. Instead, call your intuition more actively into play. Here's an intuition game to play with the Personals:

With the Personals ads (or responses to an ad you placed) and a pen in front of you, close your eyes for a moment, relax, and take some deep breaths. Bring to mind what you want -- a partner, a friend, a playmate. Then imagine a higher, wiser part of yourself that knows the quickest route to your highest good. Ask this Higher Self to direct you to your desired goal, or something better. Create within yourself a feeling of certainty that you are now being so directed.

Next, open your eyes and look at the ads in front of you. Read them quickly and circle ones that strike you as interesting. Next go back to the circled ads and ask your intuition for a YES or NO message about each one. Pay close attention to your inner responses in whatever form they take. You may inwardly hear or sense a spoken YES or NO, you may get a picture of the word YES or NO, or a picture of a door opening or closing. You may get a pleasant anticipatory feeling for YES and cool disinterest for NO. Let the YES's be the people you contact.

Finally, imagine that each contact you make in this way is highly significant. Instead of quickly judging them as "Partner Material" or "Not!" (the first category being worthy of your interest, the latter a waste of your time), assume that there is some important reason for your paths to cross, even if they are not people you want to see more than once, or choose not to meet in person after a phone contact. Imagine that each one was sent by your Higher Self to give or teach you something that will bring you a step closer to your desired goal. Notice how the quality of each interaction changes as you go into it with the intention to receive something of value. Following each contact, write some notes as to what you received from each person.

Have you ever browsed through the Personals and felt like you were reading the same ad over and over: "I enjoy movies, music, dining, walks, and romantic evenings..." ? If you are of a mind to answer an ad, how would you know which movie, music, dining lover to pick? You could be contacting someone who likes action flicks, hard rock, and burgers, or foreign films, ethnic food, and opera. And as for "romantic evenings," does that mean flowers and soft music, or tying you to the bedposts?

In a Personals ad where words are limited and intended to attract a compatible person, don't waste them on clichés. Make each word count by describing what makes you different from everybody else. If your interests in movies, music, or dining is part of your uniqueness, then specify: "I'm a gourmet chef and enjoy fine dining," or "I love classical music and attending concerts." Avoid descriptions that apply to the majority of the population.

Think of each descriptive word in your ad as presenting an aspect of yourself. I saw an ad once that began with the heading, "TIRED OF BEING ALONE". It went on to say, "Bored, clean, easy to get along with..." The first things this person presents about himself are that he is tired, he feels alone, he is bored, and he's clean(?). By the time the reader finds out that he is easy to get along with, she may be so turned off by his tired, lonely boredom (and wondering about his cleanliness) that she is no longer interested in his easy disposition.

Before writing your ad, make a list of as many words as you can that describe you. Which of these qualities are most important to you? These would be the ones to lead with in your ad. Look up the words you chose in a thesaurus and find some different ways to describe your most important qualities. Which words have the most impact? Use these words in your ad. Repeat this process to come up with the right words to describe what you want in a respondent.

Give more attention in your ad to what you want than to what you don't want. In general, what we give our attention to in life is what we tend to perpetuate. Thus, if you spend a lot of time resenting everything that has gone wrong and worrying about everything that could go wrong, you become a magnet for more trouble to find you. Similarly, in order to attract what you want, you need to write an ad describing what you want, rather than what you don't want. Requesting "No phonies" is not the way to attract honest, authentic people. It is more likely to turn away many nice people who don't want to get involved with an angry bitter person. Specifying "No heavies" may guarantee that no one plump will respond, and it may also drive away many thin people who are turned off by the judgmental tone.

In a Personals ad, every word speaks volumes. Even if you never plan to place an ad, going through the process of writing one can be a powerful exercise in clarifying what is important to you and about you.

1. Respond to the ads that really appeal to you rather than to every person in the right age/gender category. Some people approach the Personals as a mass mailing campaign, thinking that eventually the numbers will pay off. This method can backfire as many people are turned off by the brevity and impersonality of an obviously mass produced response to their ad.

2. Choose ads that really interest you and then tell the person in your response why you were attracted to his or her ad. To those placing ads, and getting perhaps dozens of responses, it is a welcome relief to hear from someone who is clearly responding to them personally rather than to every man or woman listed. Don't make up things that aren't hinted at in an ad (as in "I'm sure you are a really hot sexy babe and I can't wait to check you out!"). Be specific about what made this person's ad more interesting to you than other ads, as in, "I was really attracted to the humor in your ad," or "I liked that you talked about your values," etc. Find out all you can about the person before you respond by listening to their recorded phone message if this service is available. This will give you a better feeling for whether or not you are interested in meeting. It will also help you to make a better first impression, giving you more information to respond to, as well as demonstrating a high level of interest. This can get expensive if you listen to many messages; however, if you carefully screen ads and choose who you want to listen to, it can actually wind up being a much more efficient use of your money and time than sending many written responses and having a number of unrewarding lunch dates.

3. In your response be sure to give enough information about yourself to invite a call. Keep in mind that people who place ads may receive many responses, or feel very cautious about calling strangers, and rather than piquing interest, a too brief response may simply be discarded. Tell a little about what is most important to you and be sure not to fall into Personals ads clichés: "I like movies, music, dining, taking walks... etc." Who doesn't? Tell something about yourself that makes you unique, something more than general forms of recreation enjoyed by almost everyone.

Placing an ad can be an overwhelming experience of being deluged by dozens of responses to sort through, or it can be an adventure in meeting a select handful of interesting people with whom your paths may never have crossed otherwise. The following guidelines will help make the process safe and fun.

1. Contact only the people whose responses you feel truly excited about. Pass over the ones that don't tell enough for you to form an impression one way or another. Skip the ones that seem okay on the surface, but something doesn't feel right. Perhaps it's just a single word or phrase that hits you wrong, or the handwriting, or something about the general presentation of the letter -- it's too sloppy, or too neat. Don't respond to anyone because you think you "should." Often these little, seemingly insignificant details, and the way you feel about them, are telling volumes of important information. If you are undecided about a response, ask for more information. Send a note if you have an address, or call during workday hours when it is likely that the person will not be home, and leave a message.

2. Never give out your home or work address, or even your phone number until you feel comfortable with someone. A post office box can be rented inexpensively and allows you the option of corresponding by mail with respondents, even after your ad has expired.

3. If you decide to call someone, know that you don't have to meet with him or her if it doesn't feel right. If boundaries and saying "no" are difficult for you, you might want to make a rule that you will not set up a date with anyone in your first phone contact. You can explain that it's your policy to give some thought to each contact before taking the next step. Then you can ask if they are willing to have you call again. You may want to talk several times before deciding to meet in person.

4. In your first phone contact, pay attention to things you have in common, but also pay attention to how you feel. Afterward, ask yourself, did you enjoy talking to this person? Did the conversation flow, or feel like work? If the person is shy or hard to draw out, did you find that endearing or draining? Were there points when you felt pressured, offended, or irritated? Heed these early warning signals. If you are calling a number of people, you might want to keep a journal of your conversations and correspondence so that respondents don't start blurring together.

5. If you've had a wonderful phone conversation and you decide to meet, choose a public place and an activity that will allow either of you the freedom to excuse yourself at any time. An afternoon meeting at a cafe makes for a safer and more neutral meeting than a Saturday night dinner and dancing date. Feel free to end the date at any point and always tell someone where you are going and what you are doing when you meet with a stranger for the first time.

6. And, finally, if you have really enjoyed talking with someone over the phone and all signals are saying YES, prepare yourself for the shock of meeting in person and not matching each other's mental pictures. Few people look as good in person as in imagination. Make an inner commitment to suspend judgment based on physical characteristics to give the connection a chance. Often people become more beautiful as a relationship grows.

Lynn Woodland offers workshops on many topics related to empowerment, transformation, and healing. For information on these, call 1-800-666-0872.