Being the possible human: Letting go of judgment and developing compassion
In a recent workshop, Deborah was clear that she was the more wounded one in the relationship. She described growing up in a family with repeated emotional, physical and sexual abuse from her father, and a pervasive lack of love from her mother. Most of her adult life she has felt handicapped when it comes to relationships. Her partner William, meanwhile, portrayed an almost idyllic childhood in which there was an abundance of love and affection. He felt safe and nurtured as a child.
The current issue for both of them was a lack of physical and emotional intimacy. In their relationship of six years, William has often been tempted to blame their problems on Deborah's abusive childhood. She was often willing to agree.
While observing the way they were interacting at the workshop, it became clear to us that both of them were equally handicapped in the area of intimacy and closeness with each other. Or, put in a positive way, both were equally skilled in intimacy, and therefore compatible. Each had just as much to teach the other as they had to learn from the other.
We pointed out what we saw. They were at first astonished - and resistant. How could William, with his loving and nurturing upbringing, be just as flawed as Deborah? How could he have just as much trouble with intimate relationship?
We explained. First, we have yet to meet someone who has had an ideal upbringing. No parents are perfect. We have seen how people's human-ness, expectations, conditional loving, fear and anger, have affected their children.
Second, each one of us is unique. No matter what our upbringing, we are impacted differently. Identical twin studies demonstrate this. They each develop their own unique identities and personalities. They respond and adapt differently to the same parents and life situations. Two children may receive the same amount of love. One may become lazy and self-centered, while the other may develop a grateful heart, ready to give that same love to another.
Later in the same workshop, William started to awaken memories of loneliness throughout his childhood despite all the outward attention he received. His father was a religious leader, and William was expected to be a perfect child. He was rewarded for good behavior but needed to keep all his other feelings to himself. He realized he was not accepted for who he was. He felt the impact of these childhood feelings throughout his whole life. It was humbling for him to realize the extent of his woundedness. And this realization drew Deborah closer to him. She no longer had to carry the burden of emotional woundedness by herself. William was now willing to share the burden with her.
We're all human beings having a divine experience, as well as divine beings having a human experience. Looking at it either way, we must acknowledge our woundedness. The Sufis say the broken heart is the first call to awakening. Similarly, our woundedness need not be judged as bad, but as a starting point from which to learn compassion for all living things. Judging someone else as more wounded is like judging them as more human. Let's let go of these judgments and get on with the development of compassion.
The Vissells have a new book out, Light in the Mirror: A New Way To Understand Relationships (available for $13.95 from Ramira Publishing, TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 or locally 408-684-2299).
Spend SEVEN DAYS IN PARADISE this winter with Barry and Joyce, along with talented musician, Charley Thweatt, for a time of celebration and spiritual renewal for individuals and couples on the Big Island of Hawaii. This week will transform your whole life. January 26-February 2, 1997. Call Jim Lipson at 520-721-1710 (Tucson, AZ) for more info.
Joyce and Barry Vissell have been a couple since 1964. A nurse and medical doctor, their main interest since 1972 has been counseling and teaching. As a result of the world-wide interest in their previous books, The Shared Heart, Models of Love, and Risk To Be Healed, they travel internationally conducting talks and workshops on relationship, parenting and healing. They are the founders and directors of the Shared Heart Foundation, a non-profit corporation dedicated to the healing and integrity of individuals, couples and families.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 408-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on their books, tapes and training programs, or their schedule of talks and workshops.