VORR, TEXAS -- Swami Beyondananda, spiritual leader to millions of FUNdamentalists (accent on "fun") has announced that he will be a candidate for President this fall. Speaking at a press conference at his Texas home, the Cattle Lack Ranch -- so called because the Swami owns no livestock -- the Swami offered himself as the candidate of the Pro-Laugh Party.
In response to the question, "Are you a serious candidate for the Presidency?" Swami replied, "Absolutely not. Everywhere we look we are faced with laugh-threatening seriousness. I think the American voters are ready to reject serious candidates and embrace our laugh-affirming message."
A cheering crowd of about 5,000 hardcore FUNdamentalists waved banners proclaiming their Pro-Laugh stance -- "Laugh --What A Beautiful Choice" and "I'm Pro-Laugh And I Vote" as the Swami vowed to raise the laugh-expectancy of the average American from twice a week to three times a day. "Do you realize," the Swami declared, "that four out of five Americans suffer from irregularhilarity? And that the incidence of humorrhoids and irony deficiency are higher than ever in our history? There is no lack of humor on the planet -- there's just a serious jestive blockage in the body politic."
While he opposes more government spending to promote humor ("We've already spent enough on laughable projects," he says), the Swami says he will encourage citizens to commit random acts of comedy, as well as collect and recycle humor. "Don't discard old jokes and throwaway lines," the Swami implores, "donate them to the humorless!"
On the political front, the Swami vows to tackle America's most serious problem, dope addiction. "We seem to be addicted to electing dopes to public office," he declares. "Not only that, but these dopes are addicted to us electing them, and have a campaign-fund habit that just won't quit. And what do they offer us? They say, 'Vote for me. I'm not as bad as my opponent.' Instead of working together to come up with solutions, they are endlessly arguing and blaming. We need mass action and what do we get? Mass-debating!"
"We need more forums and fewer againstums," the Swami said. "We need to hear the most constructive ideas from both the left and the right. If one wing is too strong and other too weak, we're going to just keep flying in circles."
Swami Beyondananda, who has often been called "The Yogi from Muskogee," originally hails from Oklahoma, where he grew up in a Methodist family. ("Actually my father was Methodist and my mother was Catholic, which I guess makes me a rhythm-Methodist."). His funny East Indian accent is a result of undergoing a sects-change when he was in his early 20s.
He first gained political notoriety several years ago when he joined with Hamnesty International to sponsor Porky Pig as a peace envoy to the Middle East. ("I figured that since neither Muslim nor Jew eats pork, he could propose cooperation without getting eaten alive.") The plan called for the popular porker to declare a cease-fire by standing on the West Bank and shouting "Th-th-th-that's all, folks!" Israeli officials nixed the plan at the last minute on the grounds that "it just didn't seem kosher."
Swami's decision to toss his turban into the ring was precipitated, he says, by weeks of carefully listening to President Clinton, Bob Dole and Ross Perot. "I realized we had three candidates who couldn't be taken seriously," he says. "So why not a fourth?"
Beyondananda has not yet chosen a running mate, but says it will probably be a woman -- for the sake of a truly balanced ticket. "I think it's important for the female energy to be equally represented in our political system," he declared, "because when you have only men in government you have a stag-nation." Reports say he is considering numerous women including Eleanor Roosevelt ("She can apparently be channeled at will, and being dead she will require no Secret Service protection.") and his own wife, Trudy Lite, a dancer and fashion consultant. "I love her and we make a terrific team," Swami says, "but I'm not sure the country is ready for the White House to be redone in purple and teal."
When asked how it felt to be not just a third party, but a fourth party candidate, the Swami replied, "I hope that my candidacy will bring us back to the One Party system -- that's where you have one big party, and everyone gets invited."
What the Swami is Saying on the Issues
Campaign Reform ... Just to put things in perspective, candidates should be required to wear those Groucho noses, mustaches and glasses for all public appearances. Personally, I think it will change the face of politics in America.
Discrimination on the Basis of Color ... This kind of discrimination is rampant in our government, and just is not right. All someone has to do is flash some green, and they get special treatment. We need to focus less on the income, more on the outcome. And this will solve the problem of government greedlock.
Worldwide Conspiracy and the "Secret Government" ... I meet all these people who believe that a small group of bankers are plotting to buy up the entire world. This is all wrong. Actually, the bankers already own the world. They're trying to sell it before the cleaning bill comes.
Abortion ... I'm not sure I understand this so-call "right to life" movement that loses interest as soon as an unborn fetus becomes a born feed-us. So I recommend that these groups spend three quarters of their budget caring for unwanted children. This will be a tremendous investment in the future. I recently met someone who was unwanted as a child -- and now he's wanted in eight states.
Bob Dole and the Tobacco Industry ... Isn't it just like the Republicans to peddle a drug that will kill you without getting you high?
Bill Clinton and the Drug Culture ... I wish people would stop attacking President Clinton for a foolish mistake he made years ago. A lot of people didn't inhale.
The Perot Candidacy ... I would love to see Ross Perot run. In fact, I volunteer to lead the mob that chases him. Instead of being the big cheese everyone thought he was, Ross Perot turned out to be Ross Perogi -- a little cheese surrounded by a whole lot of dough.
The Media ... We get a distorted view because good news is no news. I mean, can you imagine this news bulletin: Thirty million people returned safely from work today. Details at eleven. We get more than enough badmouthing about wrongdoing and disgruntled citizens. How about some goodmouthing about the rightdoing that's going on? It's bound to make us all a bit more gruntled.
The National Anthem ... I am one of those people who believe that it is now time to change our national anthem to America the Beautiful. We need to reinforce the idea of spacious skies, amber waves of grain, majestic purple mountains above the fruited plain -- instead of bombs bursting in air. And besides, do we want our children watching ram parts? What are these ram parts doing? It sounds very perverse to me.
Sex Education in Our Schools ... In this era of rising teenage pregnancy, we should definitely teach about sex in schools. If school handles sex like it handles other subjects, the children will soon become bored and lose interest.
Overall Economic Strategy ... I think we need an overall economic strategy. Back in the days when people wore overalls instead of suits we produced more. So that is my strategy: more overalls, fewer suits. Instead of speculating on futures, we need to be making things, growing things and fixing things right here in the present.
Illegal Aliens ... I'm tired of people from other planets coming here looking for work. I have very strong feelings about extra-terrestrials. We already have too many terrestrials, we don't need any extra.
Same Sex Marriage ... Many people object to same-sex marriage because they feel it demeans the sacred bond of matrimony between man and woman. So I recommend that we offer gay people the same legal protection, but we call it something else -- like fratrimony and galimony.
The Vision Thing ... Political discourse nowadays is dominated by demagogues. You know what a demagogue is -- it's someone who is always pointing a finger at "dem!" Instead of more sin thesis (figuring out who is to blame) we need a synthesis of diverse ideas. Let's find the visionaries in our society and stop listening to the divisionaries.
Copyright © 1996 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.
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