Swami Beyondananda
Dear Swami:
I thought I read something in the Natural Enquirer that you've
had some kind of religious conversion experience, and become a
fundamentalist preacher. Is this just an idle rumor, or is it
true?
Kirby R. Dahg
Fondue Lake, Wisconsin
Dear Kirby:
Well, I guess if the rumor is circulating, it can't be idle, can
it? Actually, like most of that stuff the tabloids print, it is
only partly true and they have put the em-PHA-sis on the wrong
syl-LA-ble. Yes, I did have a religious experience. I was struck
by lightning during a brainstorm, and during this electrifying
moment I got a glimpse of the true meaning of life. I had a vision
of God watching a huge big screen TV -- and we were the
Comedy Channel. I realized that life is a situation comedy that
will never be canceled, a laugh track has been provided, and the
reason we are in the material world is to get more material. In
other words, even if you are living a routine existence, you can
at least turn it into a great routine. So profound was
this vision that I decided to dedicate my life to preaching FUNdamentalism
-- accent on "fun."
And as a FUNdamentalist, I know that if we can raise the vibration
on the planet through the resonance of laughter, we can bring
about Nonjudgment Day -- that is when everyone wins beauty contests.
On Nonjudgment Day all the lawyers will disappear, and truly all
our trials will be over. And on Nonjudgment Day, everyone will
lay down their arms. This will be called Disarmaggedon, and it
will be the end of the human race as we know it. We will realize
that life isn't a race, so we can stop running. As my own guru,
Harry Cohen Baba used to say, "Life is a sitcom. So sit calm
and enjoy it."
So until that day of Nonjudgment arrives, we must do all we can
to heal the jestive blockages and dysfunsion we see around us:
Laugh uproariously, wholeheartedly and loudly -- ejoculation is
a natural bodily function, so we should feel no shame about it.
Live life to the foolist. Revel without a cause. Remember, you
can transform anger with random acts of comedy. Don't get even
-- get odd!
May the FARCE be with you.
Dear Swami:
I notice that people who write in questions to your column
often use unusual names. Tell the truth, Swami. Are these legitimate
questions?
E.Z. Yancers
Tacoma, Washington
Dear E.Z.:
Absolutely! Every one of the questions I use has a mother and
a father who are married to each other. And names are important.
Remember the great movie director, Cecil B. DeMille? Well, he
had a daughter who in spite of all the privilege always felt average
and ordinary. Know what her name was? Ronna DeMille. And then
there was the guy who came to me with financial problems so severe
that he was at debt's door. His name was Osborne Poe. I told him
to change his name, and now he's Richard Denhue. And if you've
been following the news, you know that Tupac is not a healthy
name to have this year. First Tupac Chakur was snuffed out, then
those Tupac Amaru rebels were all killed in that Peruvian hostage
standoff. If only they had tuned into the significance of names,
they would have realized the Tupac spelled backwards is "caput."
Dear Swami:
Having studied esoteric physics, I am convinced that there
is an exact duplicate of me living in a parallel universe. How
do I communicate with him?
Lou Pohl
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Dear Lou:
That's easy. You send him a parallelogram.
Swami's Dictionary
Dear Swami:
What do you call it when people make predictions and charge
money for them?
Otto Noh
New Braunfels, Texas
Dear Otto:
I don't know about you, but I call it propheteering.
Copyright 1997 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.
SWAMI SPECIAL!! Now you can buy Swami's three hilarious
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