Dear Swami:
I have recently converted to FUNdamentalism -- accent on fun -- and now I find myself discriminated against because of my religion. My boss at the high-tech consulting firm I work for has told me in no uncertain terms that I will no longer be able to wear my ceremonial clown nose to board meetings, nor will I be able to use my e-mail for religious charity work (donating old jokes to the humorless). I've considered filing one of those religious discrimination suits, but that sounds like even less fun than I'm having now. Maybe the best idea is to start a new business that reflects my religious preference. Any ideas, Swami?

Dear Ada:
You know, I have a great idea for a FUNdamentalist business opportunity. If you like it, maybe I can become your silent partner -- that is, if you don't find a mime first. My suggestion is, start an Inner Child Care Center. Think of all your fellow-sufferers in today's workaholic business world who have to drag their inner child to work with them every day. These poor inner children can suffer severe boredom and spiritual deprivation in these dysFUNsional settings. Personally, I think this borders on inner child abuse. And we all know an abused inner child can wreak havoc at home with unpredictable emotional outbursts, not to mention inbursts. Here's how the Inner Child Care Center works: Each morning, your clients drop off their inner child at your home -- and what with inner children being invisible, they take up very little space and are easy to travel with in groups. No institutional kitchens or bathrooms are required, and you can take field trips in a Miata. Most of the program can evolve out of what feels like fun to you, although you can ask your clients for input: And what would your inner child like to do today? Imagine spending your day finger-painting, bike riding, playing video games, going to the zoo, taking a nature walk (in large, crowded cities you can take human nature walks instead), petting animals, going to the movies -- and getting paid for it! And at the end of the day, when folks come to pick up their inner kids, you can tell them what their inner child did all day. I see great financial success for this venture. I have it on good authority that in the very near future, inner child care will become tax deductible. My inner tax attorney told me so.

Dear Swami:
I have heard rumors that you are sitting on the weight loss secret of the ages. I keep waiting for you to say something in your column about it, but so far I've seen nothing. Is this rumor true? Can you actually tell us how to lose weight effortlessly once and for all?

Dear Mae:
If I were really sitting on the weight loss secret of the ages, I wouldn't need this Buns O' Steel video. However, I have in fact stumbled upon a weight loss program so simple, so effective, so effortless and so obvious that it cannot really be called a secret. You want to lose weight? DON'T EAT SO MUCH! This, by the way, is a foolproof program. You want to lose a little weight? Eat a little less. You want to lose a whole lot of weight quickly? Don't eat at all. People in India have known this for years, and folks in other Third World countries are learning more about it every day. But don't take my word for it. According to the Natural Inquirer, scientists have found a remarkable correlation between not eating and weight loss. "No doubt about it," the study concludes, "people who don't eat can't gain weight." Talk about effortless weight reduction. What could possibly take less effort than not eating? Not breathing, maybe. And speaking of breathing, the International Breatharian Society is opening a string of "No food, great atmosphere" restaurants in spiritual hot spots around the world. In fact, at the recent Ascended Masters Golf Tournament, I actually met a breatharian who claimed that he not only didn't eat food, but he didn't drink water either. I think his name was Pierre. Anyway, I asked him if he didn't feel deprived of the communal aspect of sharing food, but he reassured me that although breatharians couldn't break bread together, they still could break wind. And I understand that this simple diet is all the rage amongst those going for Ascension. With an average weight loss of ten pounds a week, it would take a 150-pound individual only about fifteen weeks to completely disappear.

Dear Swami:
Are you really a legitimate swami? Most of the swamis I have encountered have a long list of impressive credentials. What gives you the right to write a column as a self-described "swami"?

Dear Haydn:
Of course I am a legitimate swami. Both my parents were married -- and to each other, I might add. The official definition of "swami" is one who has mastered themselves, and I can assure you no one could be better at being me than I am. I can also assure you I have undergone rigorous swamification and am fully swamified, but qualifications are not everything. I am reminded of the words of my beloved guru, Harry Cohen Baba, the Garment Center Saint, who often said that it is not the length of your credentials that matters, but how much pleasure you give.

Copyright 1997 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.

SWAMI SPECIAL! Now you can buy Swami's three hilariousaudio tapes and get his book When You See A Sacred Cow, Milk ItFor All It's Worth for free -- a $43 value for just $29! Add $3for shipping. To order by mail or to get a catalogue of Swami'sproducts, write to Lite Headed Productions, P.O. Box 110, Burnet,TX 78611. To place a credit card order, call Swami's special productordering line at 1-800-SWAMI-BE. Remember, laughter is physicallyhealing because it causes the blood vessels to dilate, which beatshaving them die early.