Passionate Hearts

...This is [from] a book of poems that put the ancient wisdom of the body into words. It is full of the little miracles of understanding that only poets know how to make.

As we perceive through our tongues, noses, skin, ears, and eyes, we learn to delight in the world. But sometimes our deepest physical responses are so strong and connected with our emotions, we hardly know how to convey them in words. This is where poetry comes in, and where Wendy Maltz, the editor of this collection, has worked her wizardry.

As a healer, she appreciates how poetry can universalize our experience simply by being so intimate, and she has searched beyond the predictable choices for Passionate Hearts: The Poetry of Sexual Love. Discovering gems of poetry by emerging writers as well as established ones, she has grouped them to show us how to feel our way through sensual experience within an intimate relationship.

Of all the freedoms of the late 20th century, my favorite is how explicit poets can be. They can take timeless themes and deliver them to us with the images and associations of right now. In this way poets are the truth tellers of the cultural body. Here, in this collection, they uncover erotic truths and supply us with metaphors that heal as well as reveal: bold, positive, direct language for sexual sharing.

Each of us is capable of passion, but the poems gathered here kindle passion. As they touch us, they deepen our capacities for touch.

-- Molly Peacock, from the preface to Passionate Hearts

INTRODUCTION

"What sex is, we don't know, but it must be some sort of fire. For it always communicates a sense of warmth, of glow. And when the glow becomes a pure shine, then we feel the sense of beauty."

-- D.H. Lawrence

This book of poetry has come about through my quest to unlock the mystery of sexual love. This is not a new quest for me. It's a search I've been on, in some fashion, for most of my life. As a sex therapist, I've made a profession of understanding and explaining sex.

As a young child, I remember repeatedly harassing my parents with question after question about sex. Their answers changed over time, becoming more specific and elaborate as I grew more mature and inquisitive. By the time I was eleven, budding with my own sexual feelings, curious about true love, and frustrated with technical sounding sperm and egg explanations, I pressed them for more information about the act itself. "The woman lies on her back with her legs in the air and arms open, and the man lies on top of her...." Although my parents continued talking, I heard only an occasional word after this opening line. I was stunned. The image that formed in my mind was of dead bugs on the sidewalk -- lying with their feet in the air, tangled together and parched by the sun. My first explicit sexual image was a major disappointment. Why would anyone want to share an experience like that with someone they love?

For each of us, our concept of sexual love has been shaped over many years by the sexual images permitted and promoted in our culture. Today, it's hard not to find images of sex in our society. Since the dawn of the sexual revolution in the 1960s, we have stripped away the old, puritanical restrictions that once made sex a taboo subject. Erotic images are woven so extensively into every aspect of our culture that they leap out at us when we open a magazine, turn on the television set, settle back in a movie theater or pass a billboard on the freeway. It is sad and ironic that while our sexually obsessed culture feeds us a steady stream of arousing sexual images, many of us feel starved when it comes to understanding or sharing sexual love.

Very few of the unabashedly graphic images we see daily depict adults engaged in what we would describe as healthy sexual intimacy. Though many of us desire meaningful, intimate connection with a lover, most of the sexual images we are exposed to condition us to be aroused to sex without love. Like someone who has eaten only junk food, we wind up feeling malnourished. No amount of binges on "junk sex" can satisfy our hunger for real connection. In our enthusiasm to overcome puritanical constraints, perhaps we overlooked the importance of promoting certain kinds of sex over others.

Sexual interaction based on mutual caring and respect is very different from sex in which people are objectified or exploited. Loving, intimate sex can be far more enjoyable and satisfying than impersonal sex. But to enjoy these pleasures of sexual love, we need to know more.

Although we are naturally wired with a strong sexual drive, we are not born knowing all the information we need to fully understand it. Most of us have questions about sex. But in our culture, the answers are not always accessible or complete. To explore our potential as sexual beings, we need to understand not only the mechanics of sex, but also the interpersonal context for enjoying sexual love. We need more images that give us models for healthy relating. With exposure to these images we can learn that healthy intimacy is arousing and intensely pleasurable. Instead of a cultural diet of "junk sex" that leaves us titillated but starved, we need lasting, nourishing ways to satisfy our hunger for sexual connection.

My quest for understanding sexual intimacy took a more serious turn when I began treating adult survivors of sexual abuse. Many of these people suffered from crippling sexual fears and dangerous sexual compulsions. For them, sex was often unpleasant at best. Their sexual relations left them feeling emotionally isolated, or out of control. Healthy sexual intimacy was an oxymoron. They could not conceptualize it, even when I explained that it was defined by concrete conditions: Consent. Equality. Respect. Trust. Safety.

About five years ago, my long quest for understanding sexual love became more focused. I began an ardent search to find positive sexual images. I wanted healthy alternatives to the negative images that surround us in our culture, so that I could show those who have felt confused about or hurt by sex that it can be very different, that it can even inspire moments of beauty.

This is a message all of us need to hear, throughout our lives. As a parent, I want my children to have healthy sexual models to learn from as they grow older. All of our children deserve to know about the importance of sexual health and the possibilities for joy and pleasure that sex affords. As an intimate partner, I want to be reminded of the infinite dimensions my husband and I can explore in heart-connected sex. All of us who are in long-term relationships need more resources to draw inspiration from, whether we are just setting out as a young couple or growing older with a partner.

To begin, I scoured films, video selections, popular books and magazines for images that portrayed sex as mutually enjoyable, socially responsible and physically safe. I was shocked at how few sexually explicit examples of healthy sex I could find. The images I found -- perfume ads, greeting cards and modern love stories -- were pretty weak stuff compared to the latest issues of Penthouse magazine. Although there were some passages in erotica and romance novels that leaned toward healthy sex dynamics, many of the themes in these stories still centered on impersonal, or secretive sex.

Next, my search took me to the library. Perhaps the joys of mutually satisfying sexual love had been celebrated by writers years ago. I began sifting through classic works of literature and poetry. But these works, by and large, let me down. I found an occasional gem, but more often I was reminded of the long history of sexual inequality between men and women from which we are still evolving. Older poems too often lacked the mutually intimate love that a healthy, mature relationship demands.

Until quite recently, male poets have dominated this genre. Too many of the erotic poems I found in the classic texts tended to repeat themes of objectifying, adoring or controlling females. The Kama Sutra, one of the classic Eastern love texts, speaks repeatedly of intimate relations between "the girl" and "the man." In a chapter entitled "Creating Confidence in the Girl," the text advises the man whose young lover is reluctant:

"...if she would not yield to him he should frighten her by saying 'I shall impress marks of my teeth and nails on your lips and breasts...'"

Classic Western love poems are generally less graphically direct, but often just as offensive to my ethic of healthy intimacy. They perpetuated the cultural norms of their day, especially the belief that a woman's personal sexual experience was irrelevant; her pleasure would come in being a submissive vehicle for satisfying a man's sexual desires. In "The Jewels," the French poet Charles Baudelaire writes:

My well-beloved was stripped. Knowing my whim
She wore her tinkling gems, but naught besides;
And showed such pride as, while her luck betides,
A sultan's favored slave may show to him.

In classic poetry, true consent, based on a right to refuse sex at any time, seemed nonexistent. William Butler Yeats describes a man asserting power over his lover in "Down by the Salley Gardens":

She bid me take love easy, as the leaves grow on the tree
But I, being young and foolish, with her would not agree.

Sometimes I found a poem that seemed to honor the importance of mutuality in intimacy. But then I would hear something in it that echoed back to an imbalance of power. In "Invitation to the Voyage," Baudelaire begins to weave more appropriate imagery about making time to savor sexual pleasure:

Imagine the magic
of living together
there, with all the time in the world
for loving each other. . . .

But within a few lines, he refers to his lover as "my sister, my child." I shuddered to think how survivors of incest and rape would respond to the specific images I was finding, and how all of us would hear the wrong message reinforced, if I were to return to these poets for inspiration. I felt disillusioned that the traditional "love" poets whose works I had enjoyed twenty-five years ago, when I studied poetry in college, were reinforcing relationship dynamics that prevent mutually rewarding sexual love and intimacy. However lyrical or sensuous the language sounds, love poetry of the past lacks a foundation of equality between two partners. Without this framework, even the most beautiful poem fails to evoke relationships built on mutual caring, with both partners active participants in loving.

Even though my initial efforts to find sex-positive imagery uncovered only a handful of appropriate works, this step in my search was important. It got me reading and appreciating poetry.

Poetry speaks a universal language. Unlike longer prose, which tends to relate more specifically to a character, poems evoke images that resonate for each of us, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. With a few spare lines of text, they capture a world of experience. We don't need an advanced degree in literature to appreciate the meaning of a well-written poem. The words speak right to our heart. The poet's metaphors connect our actions as humans with the larger life forces in nature. And they focus on the momentary glimpses we gain through experience. Because sex itself is a momentary but profound experience, poetry is a perfect medium for exploring the meaning, mystery and beauty of sex.

Out of the disappointment of my initial search came my strong conviction to create a resource for positive images of sexual love. I would locate the elusive images myself. And I would do it with quality, readable poetry. Accessible to anyone.

I launched a campaign to locate the works of contemporary poets writing about sexual love. I thought perhaps they, writing in today's more egalitarian era, would be a better source for works. I sought "heartcore" poems: poems that inspire and celebrate healthy sexual intimacy; poems in which heart connection is at the core of the sexual experience. I advertised in national poetry journals, sent flyers to creative writing centers and writing programs at universities, and began making personal contacts with some influential contemporary poets.

As I reviewed the more than 1,500 submissions, I kept in mind that each poem had to meet the conditions that I consider necessary for healthy sexual intimacy. I asked: Does this poem represent mutual caring and desire? Do the partners relate as equals, respecting each other as separate individuals? Is there a sense of emotional trust and honesty? Are the sexual interactions assumed to be safe from emotional and physical harm? Does the poem celebrate sensual pleasures?

When these conditions are met in life, as in poetry, we are free to enjoy and explore sexual love. Honoring healthy sex conditions allows us to safely embrace sex, enjoy it, without fear of any negative outcomes. Only good will result. Adopting these guidelines does not restrict intimate sexual pleasure, but rather permits it to grow and flourish.

My search into contemporary poetry brought personal satisfaction and rich rewards. I began to discover that today's poets are very interested in helping to explain and explore sexual love. For the general reader, the words are understandable. For the reader with a deeper background in literature, the poems bring together some well-known contemporary poets, and some newer voices. Together, their combined perspectives deeply penetrate the mystery of sex.

Listen to Molly Peacock, in "The Purr," searching for new words to describe the same mystery that D.H. Lawrence could not solve:

...The mysterious thrum
that science can't yet explain awakes a hum
in me, the sound something numb come alive makes.

And poet Sharon Olds gives new meaning to familiar words as she describes "making love" in her poem, "The Knowing":

. . . For an hour
we wake and doze, and slowly I know
that though we are sated, though we are hardly
touching, this is the coming the other
brought us to the edge of -- we are entering,
deeper and deeper, gaze by gaze,
this place beyond the other places,
beyond the body itself, we are making
love.

When I read Stephen Corey's "Complicated Shadows," in which he recalls a sexual experience outdoors on a hot day, I couldn't help but smile remembering my childhood image of insect sex. In Corey's very different view, the image came wonderfully alive with new consciousness about the interplay and union of two lovers:

To hawks we're a woodland insect,
four legs above and four below, twitching
on the ground . . .
. . .We are weaving and folding, we
know this soil is a great compost heap,
we are making and unmaking
light -- forcing the aging hot sun to run.

The poems I have selected for this volume celebrate the positive aspects of sex, built on a platform of healthy relating. As these poets illustrate so well, we have no need to feel shame about sex. It's as natural to us as laughter. When the conditions are right -- when we're feeling safe and not humiliated -- laughter bubbles up as a wonderful energy between two people. It feels good. And it's the same with sex. Appropriately, many of the poems are light-hearted and playful. Allison Joseph, in "Learning to Laugh," describes how lovemaking can bring forth laughter so rich "that I couldn't believe such a sound could come from my naked body." Yet, she goes on to tell of:

. . . the laughs that just keep
coming, rising out of me
to stop traffic on the boulevard
drivers slowing to listen
to the most joy they've ever heard.

The organization for this book grew naturally out of the poems themselves. By an almost organic process, it seemed that they fit together into chapters about the stages of human sexual relating.

As I organized the poems, I realized that the shape of the book was a metaphor in itself. In sex, we begin with desire and excitement; build to a plateau; experience the release of orgasm; then move on to a state of resolution. This is the physical description we understand as the sexual response cycle. In many ways, this act of sexual expression recapitulates all the stages of healthy sexual relating.

In a relationship, we experience the building excitement of getting to know a potential partner. The opening chapter, "Tender Awakenings," contains poems that explore that first spark of initial attraction. These poets write about the fears and hesitancies that sometimes get in the way of our desire for love. They describe the importance of waiting until both partners are ready. They help us to understand the foundation of trust and safety we need for awakening to shared sexual pleasure.

Once both partners feel ready, they can move forward to share the playfulness and sensuality of physical love. The second chapter, "Passionate Pleasures," explore some of the infinite ways that two bodies, two hearts, might intertwine as one. These poems celebrate the intensity and ecstasy that come from physical sharing. This is frightening, at times, to the people in these poems, just as it can be overwhelming in real life. Sexual arousal brings with it the experience of abandon. Surrendering to sexual pleasure challenges our basic human instinct to be alert and in control of ourselves. In this chapter, couples work through their fears to savor sexual sharing and the lasting connection it brings them.

As a relationship progresses, partners build a platform on which different dances and expressions occur. In the third chapter, "Varied Dances," we see sex explored in all sorts of settings. The poets show us how to tackle the challenges of a long-term relationship. How do we remain sexual when beset by boredom, stress, disappointments, children at the door? How do we rekindle the spark that attracted us in the first place? How shall we seduce the partner we know so well?

In "Deeper Intimacies," the fourth chapter, we see the possibilities for what might happen when a couple remains together and remains sexual for a long time. The poets show us how vulnerable we are when we truly open ourselves to another, yet how vast the opportunities are when we take that risk. The depth of emotional intimacy builds, generating peak experiences. These poems describe moments of conscious loving, in which the self and the partner are revealed.

For those who have nurtured a healthy relationship for a long time, the final phase can transform a sexual relationship into something almost spiritual. If we are lucky enough to enjoy a long, healthy relationship with the same partner, the natural aging process kicks in. Yet, even in our youth-conscious culture, some couples are wise enough to see beyond the wrinkles and graying hair, and savor the sexual energy that remains.

Even as these energies decline with age, these couples celebrate the moments they have left together. The memories of all that has passed between them take on a substance that counterbalances time's physical losses. In "Orchestration," Jane Mayes describes an aging but no less ardent pain:

Your hip replacement mended,
my back pain abated,
our bed that seemed too small
has re-expanded.

Still another couple in "Watering the New Lawn," by Michael S. Smith, turns gardening into a sensual, erotic pleasure:

. . . This could be our last lawn, we knew,
and aged expertise had taught us to take our sweet
time.

The overall message contained in the book's last chapter, "Graceful Transformations," was something the poets helped me to understand. I didn't appreciate this concept completely when I began looking for images that celebrate healthy sex. But in their wisdom, in their art, these poets have helped me to see sex as something evolutionary. What higher consciousness are we moving toward with this sexual energy? As our bodies change with age, how do our sexual expressions mature? As we evolve as a couple, what lasting pleasures might we create together?

Sex is momentary, and sex is transcendent. That's the paradox. The most intense physical sharing we experience with another person is gone in a matter of minutes. And yet, it connects us with a larger energy, a life force. Real, authentic intimacy leaves behind an inner glow that warms every aspect of our lives. Sex reminds us of our limitations and our expansiveness as humans. We are alone, and we are together.

Terra Hunter captures this duality beautifully in her poem "Wanting You," as she writes:

How is it that our two bodies
made only of flesh and bone
ignite with this fire
yet do not burn?

How is it that this cannot last
will disappear into the ether
as our bones will turn to dust
and disappear into the earth?

Sexual love is connection, not only with one's partner, but with the elemental beauty of life on earth. Often, when the poets in this collection describe the sensual and transcendental aspects of sex, they use metaphors from nature. A lover's touch becomes the summer heat moving through a canyon. A climax becomes the deepening red colors in a sunset. An embrace becomes the soft inside petals of a flower. The poets reminded me that some of the best images to represent the experience of sexual love are to be found in the natural world. Healthy sexual expression is a natural aspect of life. Tuning into life's natural beauty can stimulate our senses and enhance sexual awareness and enjoyment.

Just as this collection celebrates the natural beauty of every stage of sexual relating, so it can be used to inspire you at all stages of your life. Some poems will sound different to you when you are young and perhaps just beginning a relationship, than when you are older, and more settled with a partner.

Perhaps you will take time to read these poems together. Love is like a duet, a song you create with your partner. At different times you'll each have passages to sing alone, and passages to sing in harmony with one another. Reading these poems to one another may bring you new inspiration for the unique love song you are creating together. The poets have offered you their gift of words. You and your partner can breathe your own meaning from them.

Healthy sexual relating is a lifelong journey. It's a mystery we unlock through our own experiences. In creating Passionate Hearts, I have found some new signposts that help guide the way to a world of healthy sexual loving. As these words dance across the pages and into your lives, may you share the joy that I have found in searching for them.

Here is a sampling of some of the poems from Passionate Hearts that sweetly speak of love.

PRIVACY
Finally
the only one I want
to caress is you
You watch the changing
light across the sky
I watch your eyes

-- Olga Broumas

THE THIEF
What is it when your man sits on the floor
in sweatpants, his latest project
set out in front of him like a small world, maps
and photographs, diagrams and plans, everything
he hopes to build, invent or create,
and you believe in him as you always have,
even after the failures, even more now
as you set your coffee down
and move toward him, to where he sits
oblivious of you, concentrating
in a square of sun --
you step over the rulers and blue graph-paper
to squat behind him, and he barely notices,
though you're still in your robe
which falls open a little as you reach
around his chest, feel for the pink
wheel of each nipple, the slow beat
of his heart, your ear pressed to his back
to listen -- and you are torn,
not wanting to interrupt his work
but unable to keep your fingers
from dipping into the ditch in his pants,
torn again with tenderness
for the way his flesh grows unwillingly
toward your curved palm, toward the light,
as if you had planted it, this sweet root,
your mouth already an echo of its shape --
you slip your tongue into his ear
and he hears you, calling him away
from his work, the angled lines of his thoughts,
into the shapeless place you are bound
to take him, over bridges of bone, beyond
borders of skin, climbing over him
into the world of the body, its labyrinth
of ladders and stairs -- and you love
like the first time you loved him,
with equal measures of expectancy
and fear and awe, taking him with you
into the soft geometry of the flesh, the earth
before its sidewalks and cities,
its glistening spires,
stealing him back from the world he loves
into this other world he cannot build without you.