Absolutely NOT the Newsfrom the editorial offices of Steve Bhaerman (Swami Beyondananda)
PRESLYTERIANS EMBROILED IN CHURCH-STATE CONTROVERSY SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA. Scores of orthodox Preslyterians, dressed in satin jumpsuits and sporting traditional Elvis sideburns, marched in front of the state capitol today, protesting what they called "the state of California's wanton disrespect for our faith." The protest was, for the most part, peaceful as the demonstrators solemnly stood in front of the Governor's mansion and sang, "Don't Be Cruel." But when a police officer moved to break up the assembly, the crowd's mood changed and they began chanting, "You Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog." Decorum was restored when a quick-thinking state official blared "Please Surrender" over the p.a., and the crowd quietly dispersed without having to hear "Jailhouse Rock." At the root of the conflict is California's controversial policy about religious statements made on vanity license plates. Earlier this year, it was reported, a motorist later identified as Amos B. Haven of Modesto requested the vanity plate JESUS. The state refused on the grounds that it might offend Christians. As a compromise, however, they offered Mr. Haven the plate HEYZEUS. But Mr. Haven, whose van had recently had a religious experience at one of those van conversion places and was determined to become "a vehicle for the Lord," turned down the offer. "If I can't have JESUS," he told motor vehicle officials, "then at least give me ELVIS." The motor vehicle department complied, and that's where the controversy began. As soon as the first California Preslyterians spotted the offending plate, they immediately contacted the official Preslyterian headquarters at Graceland. Church spokesman Ken Tuckyrayne issued a statement deploring California's "callous disregard and disrespect for a great U.S. Male who many worshippers see not just as a Good Luck Charm but as the King of the Whole Wide World." The flap probably would have ended there, except that some of the Preslyterians contacted the more militant Elvis's Witnesses sect. Witness leader Juan Knight issued a more threatening statement: "Those of the faithful who are crying in the chapel today," he warned, "will be wild in the streets tomorrow." While Graceland took no further action, scores of Elvis's Witnesses trekked to California to take part in the protest. According to religious experts, this further strained the already-contentious relationship between the two rival branches of Preslyterianism. Explained Professor Meade E. Yoker, author of Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Sects, "Preslyterianism is one of those new 'lite' religions that have popped up in recent years. You know -- same spiritual satisfaction, one third the commandments. Anyway, Graceland is a pretty conservative outfit, and most Preslyterians simply strive to obey the Three Commandments: Love Me Tender, Don't Be Cruel, and Please Surrender. But a few years ago, an upstart sect, the Elvis's Witnesses, grew up around that icon in Toledo." The Toledo icon, the professor explained, was the Shrine of the Velvet Elvis located at the otherwise undistinguished Heartbreak Hotel, which stands down at the end of Lonely Street in one of Toledo's sleaziest districts. The hotel, known primarily as a flophouse for broken-hearted lovers and other down-and-outers, drew worshippers from all over the country after it was reported that the black velvet painting of Elvis that hung on the lobby wall had magical curative powers. According to reports, Elvis's upper lip would seem to curl and uncurl if stared at long enough. Eventually, a band of Elvis impersonators felt divinely inspired to travel the country going door to door asking the musical question, "Are you lonesome tonight?" These "Elvis's Witnesses" as they were called, were seen as heretics by the Graceland hierarchy. According to Preslyterian prelate Jamal Shukup, "If you have acknowledged Elvis as your King, then it is a form of idolatry to worship a false Elvis. Thou shalt have only one Elvis, and Elvis is King. It says so in this Book of Love. If you ask me, I think those Elvis impersonators are a bunch of perverts." Meanwhile, California state officials are working feverishly to diffuse the conflict. Reportedly, they have been negotiating with Mr. Haven about giving up the ELVIS vanity plate. "We offered him SCHMUCK instead," said one unnamed official, "but so far we haven't gotten a reply." With the situation still unresolved, demonstrations continue. Each morning about two dozen of the faithful don their ritual sideburns and do their salutes to the sun, singing "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love." A female demonstrator who would identify herself only as a "Hard-headed woman" seemed to speak for the entire crowd when she said, "I'm not here seeking fame and fortune. I'm just indescribably blue. And there won't be peace in the valley," she warned, "until that blasphemous plate gets returned to sender and our blue moon turns to gold again." Since many people are not yet familiar with the Preslyterian religion, we are including here a Preslyterian hymn. Preslyterians believe that the titles of Elvis's songs, when put together in the right order, spell out the secret of the Universe. This particular hymn contains the titles of 31 Top 40 Elvis tunes.
In Praise of the King
I got stung one night
Copyright 1996 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.ATTENTION HUMORRHOID SUFFERERS! If you or someone close to you suffers from painful humorrhoids (undue seriousness due to irregularhilarity) there's good news about this potentially laugh-threatening affliction. A daily laughsitive in the form of Swami's books and tapes can clear out any jestive blockage -- or double your karma back. Yes, now you can buy Swami's three hilarious audio tapes and get his book, When You See a Sacred Cow, Milk It For All It's Worth for free -- a $43 value for just $29! Add $3 for shipping. To order by mail or to get a catalogue of Swami's products, write to Lite Headed Productions, P.O. Box 110, Burnet, TX 78611. To place a credit card order, call Swami's special product ordering line at 1-800-SWAMI-BE. Remember, laughter is physically healing because it causes the blood vessels to dilate -- which beats having them die early! |