The Shared Heart

How Honest Are You In Your Relationship?

Honesty is a very important quality in a partner relationship, leading to trust, depth, safety and understanding. Withholding important information and events from your partner can lead to mistrust and distance. Even though it may seem hard to tell the truth in a relationship, the consequences of withholding the truth can be disastrous.

Janet and Jim have been married a long time and are very committed to one another. Issues arise in their relationship which they work hard to clear. A major issue was Jim's thirty year smoking habit. Janet disliked Jim's smoking habit intensely. She considered it a dirty habit which was steadily decreasing his health. For Janet's birthday, Jim announced he was giving up smoking. Janet was thrilled and vowed to help support him. For one year she supported him fully, asking him how he felt during his withdrawal, praising him and telling people how proud and happy she was that he had stopped.

A year later he told her he had never been able to quit. He lasted one week before going back to the cigarettes. His grown children had seen him smoking as had many of the couple's mutual friends. He asked everyone to keep it a secret from Janet. Finally, the children forced the issue and he confessed to his wife. She was devastated and felt deeply betrayed. She might have been able to understand his difficulty in quitting and starting smoking again after one week. But the fact that he repeatedly lied and kept a secret caused great pain. She said it felt like her love had died for Jim. As part of the conditions for her staying with him, Janet has asked Jim to go into therapy to reveal why he was so afraid to be honest. This issue may take years to heal between Jim and Janet. Honesty, though difficult in the moment, is always the higher option.

Twenty-five years ago, in the beginning of our marriage, Barry had an affair with my best friend. They told me several hours later when they got home. I was devastated, and I cried, screamed and locked myself in a room. I left early the next morning. I felt so hurt I wanted to walk away from the relationship forever. Barry went through a major transformation when I left and really wanted to begin our relationship anew. It took several years to completely trust Barry again, but the fact that he had been totally honest with me really helped. His honesty propelled our healing journey in a powerful way.

Ask yourself if there is important information you are keeping from your partner. Honesty can bring a deep healing between the two of you. Be committed to honesty and your relationship will grow in understanding, trust and love.

Here are a few opportunities to study directly with Barry and Joyce Vissell: June 16-21-Light in the Mirror Couples Training; June 25-July 5-Living Your Purpose Training; July 13-18-White Water Adventure Quest; July 27-August 1-Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat; February 1-8, 1998-Hawaii Living From the Heart Retreat.

Joyce and Barry Vissell have been a couple since 1964. A nurse and medical doctor, their main interest since 1972 has been counseling and teaching. As a result of the world-wide interest in their books, The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, and Light in the Mirror: A New Way To Understand Relationships, they travel internationally conducting talks and workshops on relationship, parenting and healing. They are the founders and directors of the Shared Heart Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to the healing and integrity of individuals, couples and families.

Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 408-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for a free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on their books, tapes and training programs, or their schedule of talks and workshops.

Next Article