From the Heart

"I realized my friend was drunk when she began to weave recklessly in and out of the highway lanes," Rosemary told me. "Sitting in the passenger seat, I knew I had to take over the wheel of the car. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I knew we were going to die."

A classic quote, to be sure. How many times have I heard variations on that theme? "I am dying in my relationship, but I am afraid that if I leave, he will be devastated." "I hate my job, but I don't know how the company will get along without me." "My best friend is working himself to death, but he gets mad at me when I confront him."

Ram Dass's guru tested him by asking, "Does truth come from good, or does good come from truth?" Good, Ram Dass realized, comes from truth. If you are busy trying to do the expected thing, look cool or protect someone from being hurt by self-defeating actions, you will probably have to retrace your steps and speak the truth you were inclined to tell at first. It is important to be good, but it is more important to be real.

The truth is the kindest gift you can offer a friend. If you hold love in your heart and sincerely seek to serve, you can deliver any message in a helpful way. The words are not as important as your purpose; the most important element of effective communication is caring.

My friend Moni's bookstore was a popular refuge for many spiritual seekers who found solace in visiting the peaceful shop, browsing and interacting with the friendly staff. When Moni told me she had hired a local businesswoman to take over as manager, I felt my solar plexus contract. The woman she had chosen was an abrasive "in-your-face" salesperson with a reputation for alienating her clients. With some trepidation, I told Moni of my reservations about this manager. Moni reacted defensively, asserting that she had made up her mind. I reasoned that I had delivered my gift, and released the situation.

Several months later Moni called to tell me she had fired the manager; she had turned off customers and the store was losing business. In the aftermath, Moni thanked me for my honesty. "At first I thought you were against me, and I was angry. Now I realize you were trying to help me, and I appreciate our friendship even more."

Would you like more intimacy in your relationships? The word intimacy can be broken down into three words that contain the key to attaining it: into me see. When you let others see who you really are, you develop relationships with integrity and reward.

Why would you stay in a relationship or a job that you have to lie to keep? If you trust that who you are is good enough, and that your feelings and visions are divinely guided, then the universe will match you with those people and situations that are aligned with you and your purpose.

If a job, relationship or friendship is not working for you, it can't really be working for the other person. The only way anyone wins is when everyone wins. The response, "Things are great -- what's your problem?" is usually an indication of denial. A more affirmative response would be, "Let's talk about what we can do so we all feel taken care of."

Here are a few guidelines for delivering the truth in a way that will work for you and everyone:

1. Speak gently. You don't have to yell or attack to get your point across. A few clear words, stated firmly, from the heart, will move mountains more effectively than a barrage of words and emotions.

2. Act promptly. Speak your truth as soon as you know it. The longer you wait, the more confused and frustrated you will feel, the more resentment you will amass, and the more difficult it will be to finally express.

3. Own it. Make "I" statements. Talk about your own experience, rather than laying responsibility on others.

4. Focus on the solution rather than the problem. Once you've stated the problem, get on with discovering and enacting the solution. Fault-finding keeps you in the problem.

5. Look for a win-win. There is a way it can work for everyone. Make your partner's well-being as important as your own. (Sometimes, however, we do not know our best interests. Temporary discomfort may lead to a long-term awakening.)

6. Don't stop until you feel complete. Handle it all, so you can get on with your life.

7. Call upon help from a higher power. Invite Spirit into the situation to handle what you cannot.

Love sees beyond defenses and goes to the core of the heart. Someone who is hurting him- or herself is calling for support.

Summoning integrity is more important than protecting an illusion that hurts everyone agreeing to it. "I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I knew we were going to die," calls for loving honesty. Take care of yourself and your loved ones by telling the truth.

Alan Cohen is the author of the bestselling The Dragon Doesn't Live Here Anymore . To order Alan's new book I Had It All the Time or request a free catalog of Alan's books, tapes, and workshop schedule, write to Hay House, Post Office Box 5100, Carlsbad CA 92018, or call 1-800-462-3013. For information about Alan's Mastery Training held in Hawaii and focusing deeply with twenty-four participants, write to 430 Kukuna Road, Haiku, Hawaii 96708 or phone 1-808-572-0001.

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