During a counseling session a woman spoke tearfully of the sexual abuse she experienced from the ages of 12 to 16. "Why," I asked her, "did you allow this to go on so long?" "The man who abused me was my stepfather," she told me, "and I was afraid that if I said no, he would leave. I feared that my mother and I would lose our security and not be provided for."
"So you had an unspoken deal with him," I suggested. "You would give him what he wanted so he would not take away what you thought you needed from him."
Many of us stay in abusive or painful relationships that do not honor us because we believe we need something from the other person, and if we did not get it from them, we would be lost.
Not so.
Our true security comes not from individual people, but from the benevolence of life. Real security comes from knowing our worth and acting in accord with our spirit. If we stop believing in ourself, however, we put up with all kinds of things that love would never accept. When I first began writing and self-publishing, I made a deal with a company to print and distribute my books. The company owner gave me a low price and promised me the moon, and I was excited about working with him. When my first check arrived, I noticed that he had altered the agreement in his favor. When I asked him about this, he gave me a vague and evasive answer which did not satisfy me. But out of fear of losing what he was doing for me, I decided to keep my mouth shut and stuff my question and resentment. As time went on, I noticed more irregularities about his work, yet I still felt that I needed him he was helping me in a way that no one else would, I rationalized. Then one day I received a phone call from his secretary, who told me that she was leaving the company because she had discovered the owner was a crook he was printing and selling large quantities of his authors' books and not reporting the sales or paying the authors for them. I got the message.
I dissociated myself from that company and went to a more reputable firm that charged a little more, did not promise me the moon, but did what they said they would do in a responsible and professional manner. Upon introspection, I realized that I had created a number of other business relationships where I made agreements with out-of-integrity people because I thought I was getting a special deal that I could not muster elsewhere. Then I made the decision that integrity is more important than a quick fix, and in the long run everyone wins when we come from self-worth rather than neediness. Everything changed.
One of my favorite movies is Fearless. In this powerful film, Jeff Bridges portrays Max, a man who narrowly escapes death in an airplane crash. As the plane is going down, Max surrenders to death, and in so doing loses all fear. When Max returns to his normal life without the fears that used to run him, he encounters major difficulties as he starts to tell the truth to people who have an investment in lying. Max's lawyer wants him to exaggerate about the amount of pain and suffering he experienced during the crash so he will get a larger settlement from the airline; his psychologist doesn't know what to do with Max because he has never dealt with a patient who is at peace, so he writes Max off as delusional; and Max's wife becomes angry because Max will not agree to the dysfunctional games the couple used to play.
Eventually Max gives in to going along with someone else's deception, and the resulting pain and contraction he feels is so immense that he goes to roof of a tall building and screams at the top of his lungs. As I watched that scene I wondered how loud would be the scream if all of humanity went to the highest rooftops and shouted at the top of our lungs, in accord with the amount of pain and contraction we have felt from living out of accord with who we truly are. Such a cry would surely echo into the far reaches of the universe.
Breaking self-abusive deals does not mean that you have to hurt anyone; it just means that you have to stop hurting yourself. If something you are doing is hurting you, it cannot truly be helping someone else. When you step forth in courage to break an abusive deal, you only serve the other person. Fear will tell you to keep quiet so you don't rock the boat; love will tell you that the boat is already sinking, and only the truth will save it. The real gift that you have to offer the world is not your action, but the quality of soul that your action springs from. If you know your worth, you will not submit to agreements that hurt you or others. The only thing that matters more than who you are sleeping with, is whether or not you can sleep with yourself. There is nothing that you need so bad that you have to step away from love to get. Love always provides
Alan Cohen is the author of many popular inspirational books including the best-selling The Dragon Doesn't Live Here Anymore. To order Alan's new book Handle With Prayer or request a free catalog of Alan's books, tapes and workshops, write to Hay House, P.O. Box 5100, Carlsbad, CA 92018 or call 1-800-462-3013. For info on Alan's Mastery Training in Hawaii, contact 430 Kukuna Road, Haiku, Hawaii 96708, (800) 568-3079, email: Mastery@alancohen.com