Dear Selma:

It has always been my contention that money cannot buy happiness. (It can, however, rent it for a while.) I remember struggling with the issue of money and health, especially during my lean years. I set out to make a living as a medium — and within months, I had been reduced to a small. Needless to say, I couldn't afford pricey vitamins and supplements, doctor's visits, or even health insurance. I asked my guru, Harry Cohen Baba, the Garment Center Saint, whether I needed money for optimum health and as was the custom, he didn't answer the question directly. He instead offered a Zen Cohen — a configuration of words designed to ignite a moment of enlightenment with a spark of laughter. Here is what he told me:

A man needed a very serious operation and he went to the finest surgeon in the country. The operation was successful and the surgeon presented him with the bill. "I'm sorry," the man said, "but I'm afraid I can't pay that much."

"What about your insurance?" the surgeon asked.

"Oh, I don't have any insurance," the patient replied.

"Okay," said the surgeon, who was getting a little miffed, "how much can you pay?"

"Well, to be honest, I haven't got a cent to my name. I can't pay any of it."

Now the surgeon was livid. "If you knew you couldn't afford to pay, why did you go to the finest surgeon in the country?"

"Because," said the man, "when it comes to my health, money is no object."

Dear Swami:

I know this entire issue has already been talked to death, but I can't resist just one comment on President Clinton's sexual proclivities and appetites. Don't you think he is a prime candidate for one of those sexual addiction 12-step groups? Do you suppose he will ever admit his problem and enroll in one of these?

Dear Lola:

I have it on good authority that indeed the President is enthusiastically looking forward to going to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. He thinks it would be a terrific place to meet women.

Dear Swami:

I notice you continually refer to God as a "He." Surely an enlightened male like yourself doesn't subscribe to the belief that our Creator is a man. A lot of us feminists out here are pretty upset. How about it, Swami?

Dear Lynne:

Your point is well-taken, so let me explain. Since God was the First Laugher and will no doubt be around to get the Last Laugh, I have always secretly referred to our Creator as the Ho-Ho-Holy Hee-Hee-Healer. I originally thought about shortening that to "Ho." I can see where this might have given the Creator a more feminine spin, but this would have been even more ripe for ms-interpretation. So I decided to go with Hee, which actually looks stupid so I shortened it to He. Hope this answers your question.

Copyright 1998 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.