Dear Swami:
I notice that your new book is called Duck Soup for the Soul. That's not another one of those Chicken Soup books, is it? They've already done every chicken soup combo imaginable, with the possible exception of Mock Chicken Soup for the Vegetarian Soul. Have they now moved off of chickens and on to ducks? Or are you just another opportunist looking for a free ride on the coattails of their success? Please explain.

Orestes Mann
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Orestes:
First of all, let me say I have nothing but respect and admiration for those Chicken Soup guys. We share the common goal of a world empowered by esteem instead of the internal combustion we have now. So I certainly wouldn't want to run afowl of those two fellas or step on anyone's matzoh balls. And I have no need to ride on their chicken tails, for I've got a duck tail of my own, thank you. As for "duck soup," I will boil it down for you. Duck Soup, aside from being a funny movie (yes, I admit that I was a fervid Marxist in my youth), means "fun, easy, piece of cake." Buddha has said that life in the material world is suffering. But laughter can help turn whatever stew you're in into duck soup. Fortunately, we've been blessed with the human jestive system to help us turn the material of the material world into laughter -- and reverse some of the adverse effects of adversity. After years (and possibly lifetimes) of seeking the meaning of life, I have come to realize that life is duck soup and we are the laughingstock. And it's the laughingstock that provides nourishment and keeps us healthy. Each time we whole-heartedly laugh at ourselves, we add to the laughingstock. So that's why I wrote the book -- to remind us all to make ourselves a hearty laughingstock every day.
Think about all those situation comedies we laugh at. Are they not a parody of human suffering? When Lucy Ricardo or George Costanza try desperately to control reality -- and fail -- it's a tragedy. We think it's a comedy because there's a laugh track and it's happening to someone else. But when we see that the fools we are laughing at are really us in disguise, and when we are able to hear the laugh track in the throes of our own human comedy, we have indeed achieved fool-realization.

Dear Swami:
I've heard you say that in the future, all wars will be fought with cream pies. Isn't that happening already as guerrilla activists have tossed pies at corporate "villains"? What implications does this have for designing new rules of engagement?

Gen. Newcombe Gladley
Ft. Belvoir, Virginia

Dear Gen. Gladley,
This is indeed a rapidly-changing world we are living in, and already the United Nations has had to respond to this ultra-modern -- and yet ancient -- form of warfare. According to a recent article in the Natural Enquirer, pie-throwing environmental warriors have been cited by the U.N. War Tribunal for violating the Geneva Accords ban on chemical warfare. Apparently, they used Reddi-Whip instead of real whipped cream in a pie tossed at a Monsanto official. Biological warfare charges, however, were dropped against a compatriot who tossed a pre-digested pie.

Dear Swami:
I was shocked to find out that there are some very toxic ingredients found in many commercial shampoos. Are you aware of this? Do you know about any natural alternatives?

Lynn C. Doyle
Framingham, Massachusetts

Dear Lynn:
I too was shocked to find out that shampoo is just a sham, so I found a natural alternative. Now I use only real poo.
Copyright 1999 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.