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Couples and Money Keeping
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In Gail and Jeff's case, it felt right to them to join financially, to lump all their money and assets together. For another couple, it might not feel like the highest alternative. How does a couple decide what to do with money in their relationship?
First, and most important, money is a form of energy. It's not a shameful aspect of the relationship to be shunned and rarely talked about. Try substituting the word "love" for the word "money," and see what happens. It changes everything. If you can revision money in this way, you can remove the shame from your feelings about money.
Remember, as a form of energy, it's how it's used that makes the difference. Money invested only for the purpose of increasing your wealth is not expansive energy; it is contracting energy. If used generously to help others, as in tithing, money does become like love.
Next, examine any reasons you might have to keep your money separate from your partner. Are any of these reasons "fear-based?" For example, are you afraid of being taken advantage of? Do you mistrust your partner in any way? Are you afraid of losing your individuality or your identity? If your answer is yes to any of these questions, your feelings need to be talked about with your partner, ideally in a neutral setting with a good counselor.
We admit, there may be some good reasons for not pooling financial resources, such as a gift or inheritance with specific instructions for its use. However, given these exceptions, we would like to urge couples to join together financially as well as spiritually and emotionally. Keeping separate financially is all too often a reflection of keeping separate emotionally or spiritually. It can be a socially sanctioned way to run away from a deeper level of intimacy and joining. If your desire is for the highest love possible, if you want to discover to ecstasy of joining heart and soul with your beloved, take the steps needed on the physical level of existence, which includes sharing your money.
When Joyce and I got married in 1968, I was a first-year medical student. Joyce worked hard as a public health nurse to support us both. Our "progressive-thinking" friends thought Joyce a fool to be paying for my medical education as well as our living expenses. But she was perfectly happy to be doing this, arguing that I worked just as hard as she did. She was right. We both worked just as hard, she bringing in money, me earning a medical degree. There was a balance of energy in the relationship. Later, during my psychiatry residency, I was finally earning a small, but to us significant, stipend. Joyce took some time off between jobs to discover a deeper part of herself. Again, we both were working very hard, me with long hours at the hospital and Joyce with long hours inside her soul. Again there was a balance of energy.
From 1968 to now, there has not been "my money" or "your money." It has always been "our money." We feel this has blessed us in many ways, and allowed us to go deeper into spiritual unity. Our joined finances has not taken away our money worries. We have had our full share of financial problems and stresses. But we have struggled together as mates, rather than individually or even as adversaries. Knowing Joyce and I are on the same team, sharing one another's burdens as well as gifts, has deeply comforted us both.
The Vissell's latest book, The Heart's Wisdom: A Practical Guide
to Growing Through Love, is now available in bookstores. 35 years
of wisdom from their own relationship and 25 years of wisdom from helping
others is distilled into 252 inspiring pages that will deepen your relationship
to yourself and others.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love into your life, at the
following events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: June 28-July 3-Light
in the Mirror Couples Training at their home; June 13-20-Leadership from
the Heart Training at their home; July 18-23-White Water Adventure Quest
in Northern California; July 25-30-Breitenbush Hot Springs Family Retreat
in Oregon; January 30-February 6, 2000--Hawaii Living From the Heart Millennium
Retreat.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964,
are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed,
and Light in the Mirror. Light in the Mirror, containing a wealth of information
on spirituality and relationship, is currently on a super sale for 50-75%
off (for a limited time).
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to
the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for a free
newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on their books, tapes
and training programs, or their schedule of talks and workshops.
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