In helping people divide up their properties when they are going through a divorce, I find it much easier when the two parties have reached a stage in their relationship where they are thinking in terms of being friends.

Often this stage takes time as there needs to be a healing of psychological wounds. When people try to complete a divorce too soon, they can run into trouble because the negative litany they carry about "the other" is so strong that it prevents them from making the necessary compromises that are required in any division of the spoils.

I remember one case many years ago in Maine when shortly after a painful separation in which the man asked the woman to leave the house, the couple tried to work out with me the general terms of a property settlement. After quite a struggle, we managed to get an agreement on most of their property. However, when the wife wanted the studio, the agreement fell apart. The husband had bought the studio to facilitate his wife's pottery business. He had expected her to pay him back once the business prospered. When she asked for the studio, he blew up. I tried to help him gain perspective on this issue but to no avail. The issue reminded him of the other times in which his wife had not lived up to her financial promises during their marriage. He persisted in his demand that she pay him back for the studio. This enraged her, and she told me, "That if he wants me to pay for that studio, I'll go to court."

She didn't go to court, but she went to a lawyer instead and after more than a year of protracted legal negotiations and $40,000 of legal fees, the couple settled their divorce out of court, and he got his wife to pay him $20,000 or half the value of the studio. To my knowledge, the couple have never spoken to each other again.

I remember asking the husband if it was really worth asking reparations on the studio since he knew that such a demand would infuriate his wife and possibly risk the negotiations. He replied that he thought it was unfair for him to have to give her the studio since he had paid for it. I told him that most property settlements in divorces were unfair and that he had to look at the overall financial and spiritual consequences of this decision to see if it made sense for him to hold his position.

I warned him that he was risking losing much more in legal fees than he would gain in payments from his wife, and the possibility of having the peace of mind of knowing that he had put this relationship to rest. I reminded him that his soul was an important participant in his divorce proceedings, and he should let his heart guide him in making this decision. He refused to listen to me. Instead, he told me I had no understanding of what justice meant. Perhaps I didn't, but I had watched so many couples suffer because they had let their ego sense of justice dictate the terms of their divorces that I tried to look for a higher bargaining chip in these negotiations.

In retrospect, I realized that I should never have tried to help this couple in settling their property since I knew they had just separated and were probably experiencing the worst of their psychological pain.

Over the years I've had many confirmations that taking time before settling a divorce can facilitate the process. I remember one case in Maine when a husband called me in distress because his wife was putting pressure on him to settle their divorce without any help as quickly as possible. They had just separated, and she was trying to persuade him to accept her terms.

He sent me her terms, and I could see that they were almost punitive. I told him to reject these terms and get a lawyer to represent him. I knew he wanted to get his wife in mediation with me and not use lawyers, but I felt he needed a lawyer at that time to scare her into finding another way to settle their divorce.

He got a lawyer to serve her preliminary papers, and she immediately agreed to mediate with me. I spoke with both of them and got them to agree to wait six months before trying to settle their divorce. They did, and by the time we started negotiating the wife was much more willing to settle their properties as fairly as possible. In fact, she offered to give her share of their jointly owned house to him so that he would have enough money to start a new career.

It's seems to me that the six months had given the wife enough time to really think about the consequences of her divorce and decide that it was better for her to forego any attempt to take advantage of her husband in order to work out a peaceful settlement.

Fred Brown, personal financial consultant, is the author of Money and Spirit, published by A.R.E. Press. The book can be ordered directly by contacting him on line, 103111,3337@compuserve.com or telephone (505) 466-2436.