by
Swami
Beyondanda

After thirteen years of writing the column, Ask the Swami, the renowned guru of Ho-ho-holy Hee-hee-healing has decided that he has been working twice as much as necessary. "All this time," Beyondananda explains, "I have been making up both the questions and the answers. And you know what? I feel as if I'm talking to myself. So from now on, I plan to work half as much because I'm just gonna make up the answers. The readers have to provide the questions. It will be a perfect trade-off. I will answer their questions, and they in turn will question my answers."

The new column, Karma Talk, will be launched in December, 1999 and will be fueled by YOUR questions. And now, Swami answers some of your unasked questions about the kinds of questions to ask:

Q. Your column is being called Karma Talk. Does that mean you will answer questions about past lives?

A. Past lives? Nah. Been there, done that. Past lives are a thing of the past. I'm more interested in present life readings, to help people open their present and enjoy the gift they've been given. No, this new column is about helping you drive your own karma, get out on the expressway -- and begin expressing. And of course, there's nothing like a good laughsitive to help us get off and get off it, all at the same time.

Q. What about metaphysical questions, Swami?

A. Yep, we're still taking metaphysical questions. In fact, I never metaphysical question I didn't like. But more and more, when I hear questions like, "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" (Answer: All of them. It's part of their training.), I think, if it was me asking about angels, I'd ask how to get them to dance in my life.

Q. How about current affairs and politics?

A. Even though I eschew politics (and it's important to eschew it well, especially if you plan on swallowing any of it), I am happy to answer questions about current affairs -- that is, affairs of the state as opposed to affairs of the statesmen. I think we had enough of that last year as the Republicans played Pin the Tale on the Donkey.

Q. How about unanswerable questions?

A. Ah, my favorite kind. Less work for me. A question that needs no answer is a Zen Cohen -- a configuration of words designed to ignite a moment of enlightenment with a spark of laughter. Yes, by all means send me your original Zen Cohens. And your Punjabs, too, for that matter -- I love to see a point made using wordplay.

Q. Do we get anything if our question is printed?

A. Absolutely! You get to see your question in print.

Q. Should we use our own names, or should we make up clever names ourselves? The names you use are always so interesting.

A. That's why doing the column was so time consuming for me. First, I had to track people down with those unusual names -- then I had to convince them to ask me those questions. So I leave it up to you. Use your own name, use a nickname, use a pseudonym -- you do the work!

Q. How about personal questions about you, Swami?

A. Sure, why not. I promise to answer or evade any questions about my personal life and personal appearances. For example, if you asked me if that rumor is true -- that I am really going to be channeling Elvis's message for the new millennium this November, I would tell you, "Yes, it is absolutely so." Very recently, Elvis came to me in a dream, and he was singing, "Please Release Me," and then he said, 'Swami, you gotta help me. I been tryin' to get out of here for twenty-two years, but somethin's been holding me back. The problem is, people keep worshipping the singer when they really need to hear the words of the song. Please share my message with the people so I can finally 'Leave the Building' and 'Return to Sender'."

And you know what? While Elvis sightings have slackened off, Elvis "hearings" are on the increase. This year for example, the King's unmistakable voice has been heard in Kosovo and in East Timor singing, "Don't Be Cruel." When I heard this, I immediately went to a nearby Presleyterian seminary and examined all of Elvis's utterances. And I came up with a song, "Love Me Tender, Please Surrender, Return to Sender" which uses the titles of 31 Elvis tunes to convey the King's true message. As soon as I had what I thought was the message, I decided to check it out at the Shrine of the Velvet Elvis in Toledo, Ohio. I sang the song, and I distinctly saw the painting wink and the upper lip curl. That was all I needed for confirmation. So in all my live appearances this November in Florida and California, I will be channeling this message. To find out the particulars, check out my website, www.beyondananda.com or call the hotline at 1-800-SWAMI-BE.And please send me your questions, Zen Cohens and Punjabs. Now I cannot guarantee that your question will be seen in print but I will say this: Those that are printed will definitely be seen:

Copyright 1999 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.

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NOW AVAILABLE!

Swami's new book, DUCK SOUP FOR THE SOUL, is hot off the presses. Let the Guru of Ho-ho-holy Hee-hee-healing offer his unique recipe for living louder and laughing longer! Autographed copies now available for $10 plus $3 shipping. Or, order Swami's three audio tapes ($33 plus $3 shipping) and get Duck Soup FREE! To order by mail and get a catalogue of Swami's products write to Lite Headed Productions, 400 W. Third St., Suite D-144, Santa Rosa, CA 95401. To place a credit card order, call Swami's special product ordering line at 1-800-SWAMI-BE or visit Swami 's website at beyondananda.com. Or, ask for it at bookstores. Remember, laughter is physically healing because it causes the blood vessels to dilate, which beats having them die early!