Cyberweave - Mary Montgomery-Clifford

We've all heard of the saying "Forgive and Forget." For many, the saying itself becomes a stumbling block to forgiveness. The thought of having to do both can be so overwhelming that you are tempted to give up the attempt to forgive altogether. Most psychologists and spiritual advisors agree that forgiving does not mean forgetting. Here's a thought. Perhaps the saying should be rewritten to look like this: "Forgive and Don't Dwell on it."

As you can see, this month's column is on forgiveness. There are two reasons. First, I just completed a course entitled "Elements of a Realistic Spirituality" and forgiveness was one of the prime elements. Second, in the mid-"90s I literally saved my spirit by forgiving a "like a sister' business partner who had pushed me out of a company that I had helped build with 16 years of blood, sweat, laughter and tears. A couple of years later, my former partner did the same for herself by asking to be forgiven.

Since forgiveness was the topic of my recent days, I, of course, ended up embarking on a pilgrimage via the World Wide Web. It was a refreshing and exhilarating experience—one that you, perhaps, would like to undertake. Here is my journey. Use whichever insights and directions that you think will help you on your own journey. Or just choose a starting point of your own.

I started with my favorite search engine, www.google.com, and plugged in the word "forgiveness." One click on the entry for The Forgiveness Web (www.forgivenessweb.com) was all it took to launch me on a most fascinating trek. Then it was like wandering off the beaten path of the main highway in order to find the hidden treasures located on less traveled paths. Here is a sampling of what I found.

The Forgiveness Web (www.forgivenessweb.com): This is basically an index site for reading material and other site links on forgiveness. It's a good place to go to explore forgiveness topics . . . however, be aware that some links are great and others may make you want to shake your head and roll your eyes. There is a broad spectrum of views on how forgiveness should be defined and achieved. It's up to the visitor to discern whether the information resonates with their belief system. My favorite click here led me to an article from the Detroit Free Press entitled "A Wave of Forgiveness has Swept Mid-Michigan" about the Roman Catholic Diocese of Saginaw's annual Lenten Forgiveness Campaign. If you want to read the article, go to www.freep.com/news/religion/qforgive2.htm.

The Diocese of Saginaw, Michigan's forgiveness pages (www.saginaw.org/forgiveness): You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate these pages. There is a wonderful section entitled "Thoughts About Forgiveness" and you can sign up on-line for their "Kit About Forgiveness." I signed up and received an eight-page, tabloid-sized publication with some very good advice about forgiveness. For example, they ask you to examine your feelings. In other words, do you own your lack of forgiveness or does IT own YOU? They ask if the following could be true about you:

· Your anger has become more of an enemy than a friend.

· You realize that though the person or incident or relationship which so hurt you is only a part of your life, you have allowed it to dominate your waking thoughts and/or even your sleep time.

· You are still angry, while the offender is getting on with life.

· Your anger is affecting relationships which have nothing to do with the injury.

· You spend more time looking backwards than forwards.

· You are restless, yet desperately want peace.

International Forgiveness Institute www.forgiveness-institute.org): I linked to this site from The Forgiveness Web. Established in 1994, the International Forgiveness Institute is an outgrowth of social scientific research done at the University of Wisconsin-Madison since 1985.The purpose of the organization and their site is to disseminate sound, accurate information about forgiveness to people around the globe. It does an excellent job. They only have a few links to other sites, but they're good ones.

Campaign for Forgiveness Research (www.forgiving.org): This is a gem of site. Campaign for Forgiveness Research is an organization that is helping to fund research on forgiveness. Just think! Social and biological research is beginning to prove what spiritual leaders have known all along -- that forgiveness is good for the body, mind, and spirit. Prior to 1985, only a handful of studies on forgiveness had been completed. Between 1985 and 1999, only 60 studies were done. But today hundreds of research studies on forgiveness are being proposed or are underway. The site lists several current research projects, as well as statistics from research showing that forgiveness can help reduce heart disease, prevent crime and heal troubled marriages. There is also an excellent section where visitors can share and read stories about forgiveness.

Restitution Incorporated (www.RestitutionInc.org): Restitution Incorporated is a non-profit organization dedicated to promoting healing between offenders and victims by helping offenders make restitution for their crimes. There are sections where "Offenders Apologize" and "Victims Forgive." There is also an interesting section called "The National Death Row Inmate Restitution Art Show" where inmates sell their art and use the proceeds to help make restitution for their crimes. In light of the recent execution of Timothy McVeigh, this site is a timely addition to any forgiveness pilgrimage.

Of course, any pilgrimage is worthless unless it also makes an impact on your life. It is not easy to forgive or ask forgiveness. The Diocese of Saginaw's kit uses a lot of information from the book Forgive and Forget by Lewis Smedes. Smedes recommends a five-step process:

· Think: Focus on what actually happened.

· Evaluate: Was it an accident, a misunderstanding, or was it a calculated effort? Was it a lapse in good behavior or a consistent pattern?

· Talk: Consult with a friend or counselor. Ask advice.

· Feel: Take time to be alone and get in touch with what you feel.

· Pray: Pray, meditate -- do whatever it takes to get in contact with God, your higher self, Infinite Intelligence, etc.

And finally, be patient. Forgiveness does not happen all at once. Forgiveness is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey.

Remember, the rewards of forgiveness are great. As Smedes states, "No matter who did the wrong or who does the forgiving, when we forgive, we walk the pathway toward healing the wounded places of our minds."

Do you have a favorite spiritual or personal growth Web site that you'd like me to review? Please drop me an e-mail at Monty764@aol.com. And remember, I also want to hear your story about how the Internet and the World Wide Web have impacted your journey toward self-realization. A short e-mail questionnaire is available by contacting Monty764@aol.com. Just fill it out and e-mail it back. Your contribution will help me complete my Spirituality & the Internet Research Project and, in turn, will help others who are undertaking a similar pilgrimage.

Mary Montgomery-Clifford is a certified web author and developer. Her company, Montgomery Media Enterprises ("Freelancing with Finesse!"), specializes in public relations, events, promotions, writing project and web authoring, development and publicity. Ms. Montgomery-Clifford is currently studying for a Master's Degree with an emphasis on inter-religious studies at the Chicago Theological Seminary and is in the process of completing the Morris Pratt Institute Course on Modern Spiritualism. Contact her via e-mail at Monty764@aol.com, by phone at 773-235-8821 or at her web site at www.montymedia.com

Return to This Month's Index

Go to Homepage