Overcoming "Minnesota Nice" - by Lynn Woodland

Ever since I moved to Minnesota a couple of years ago, I have often heard Minnesotans speak disparagingly of a quality known as "Minnesota Nice." Having spent most of my life on the East Coast surrounded by "Baltimore Blunt," I have always found "Minnessota Nice" to be quite ... well, nice. I find it charming how well-behaved Minnesotans are overall. And still, every strength has a dark side and in my weekly spiritual support group recently, we came to a crashing confrontation with our "niceness." One of the universal truths of human interactions is that the longer we remain in relationship with one another and the more intimate we become, the more likely it is that we will tick each other off. This particular group has been going long enough now that many of us are having "issues" with others. Usually these "issues" are spoken about to anyone other than those who triggered them. Some people have even quietly left the group with second and third hand reports of "issues."

One night we finally had an open discussion (gasp!) of why we are so afraid of talking honestly with each other. There were, of course, references to upbringing ("My family doesn't do conflict!"), to guilt and shame ("If I confront someone it's the equivalent of shaming them and I don't want to make anyone feel bad") and to fear ("If I tell someone how I really feel, they'll reject me"). But as the discussion deepened, a surprisingly different fear emerged--one we had no idea was there until we peeled away the covering layers. What we found most terrifying about telling each other the truth about our annoyances and hurt feelings is that it requires engaging more deeply. We have to care more. How much easier it is to avoid, disengage, bad-mouth someone behind their back or just quietly disappear when conflict arises.

Yet, the more we avoid such situations, the more they recur--the same drama with a new set of players each time. For those of us who claim to be on a spiritual path, at some point our spiritual work must include coming to terms with the shadowy parts of ourselves that we dislike, disown and project onto others. It's this shadow work that makes the difference between experiencing isolated moments of spirituality and truly living a spiritual life, with all its perks of greater joy, inner peace and enhanced personal effectiveness.

And nothing brings our shadow to the surface more quickly than intimacy and long-term human interactions. After some soul searching that night, my group decided we are ready to take the brave bold step from "Minnesota Nice" to "Loving More." If you, too, are feeling inclined to leave Minnesota Nice behind in favor of a giant leap into your spiritual growth, the following suggestions offer a starting place.

As you read over these guidelines, notice they are not simply a push into brazen honesty. Speaking truthfully to the person we are in conflict with is actually the last rather than the first or only step. The difference between hurtful words and healing truth is often not so much the actual words we use as it is the caring (or lack of) behind them. The following are steps toward healing: your own, the other person's and the relationship between you. Aiming for "healing" rather than "winning" as the outcome to conflict opens the door for true intimacy and spiritual connection to grow.

Steps for Working with Interpersonal Conflict

I. Separate the Past from the Present

When someone really pushes our buttons and emotions seem larger than the situation warrants, usually they are doing something reminiscent of a childhood experience. Stepping back from the conflict long enough to identify the true source of your anger can help diffuse the voltage.

II. Own Your Part in a Conflict

We tend to attract people and evoke behavior in others that reflect our core beliefs about life. As we begin to see what part of ourselves brought the conflict into being, we have the power to change it. The following exercise is a powerful one for two or more people in conflict to agree to do together. It is just as effective, however, for one person to do alone.

1. Reflection

Step back from the interaction for a moment and close your eyes. Relax and take a couple of deep breaths.... Imagine that how you are treated by other people reflects something about how you treat yourself and how you have come to expect to be treated. In other words, the extent to which others are harsh toward you reflects the extent to which you are harsh with yourself and expect mistreatment from others.... Focus now on how you feel treated by the person you are doing this exercise with or about. How is this similar to how you have felt in past relationships? How is it similar to how you treat yourself? What is this person reflecting to you about your beliefs and expectations? For example, "I'm never good enough, so people are always going to be angry with me." or, "I'm too weak to protect myself, so I will always be in danger of being victimized," or "I must give 200% or I won't be loved."

2. Share Negative Beliefs

If you're doing this with another person, open your eyes and share with each other what limiting beliefs are being reflected. Share anything else that feels important about what in you has created this conflict.

3. Change the Belief

Instead of focusing on how the other person needs to change, by changing your limiting beliefs you will just naturally attract different treatment from others and even attract different kinds of people into your life. In quiet meditation, imagine what it would feel like to be someone who already has the new healed belief about life that you would like. Vividly imagine what it would be like to have only safe, loving, respectful interactions with people. Do this meditation often. Using your imagination in this way will help to imprint the new belief into your subconscious mind so that you begin to turn it into reality.

III. Empathy

When you are not in the other person's presence, use your imagination to put yourself in their place. Imagine how it feels to walk in their shoes, see through their eyes and feel their feelings. Imagine what their fears and pain might be. Being able to understand and empathize with the other person's side of a painful conflict is a big step toward finding forgiveness and shifting the focus from "winning" to "healing."

IV. Have a conversation in Spirit

We affect each other with our thoughts more than most of us ever realize and we can use these telepathic channels of communication for healing stubborn conflicts. To do this, simply sit in quiet meditation and invite the highest, most loving part of yourself to join with the highest, most loving part of the other person for the purpose of finding a win/win outcome. Truly surrender to Divine Will as you do this. Any attempt at psychic manipulation will have poor results (just as face-to-face manipulation does!). If there is a conversation you need to have with this person but have been afraid to initiate, this is a good place to start. Talking "in spirit" in this way will often serendipitously open opportunities to talk face to face.

V. Releasing the Build-up of Anger in Your Body

We store unreleased emotions in our body. If we routinely feel anger and don't discharge it in some physical way, eventually it results in physical aches, pains and illness, or depression, emotional numbness and inappropriate explosions. When you feel angry, give yourself a chance to stomp your feet or beat on your bed. Using your voice is an important part of releasing emotion. Let yourself scream into a pillow or other safe place. Running or working out isn't as effective a release as actually screaming out your rage and in a safe, controlled way allowing yourself a tantrum. You can even experience a significant release by imagining yourself screaming, stomping, beating, etc. Let your whole body tense up as hard as you can for as long as you can as you do this. You will be amazed at how much cooler you will be in dealing with a situation after you've released this physical energy. You may also notice yourself feeling better physically and feeling happier.

Lynn Woodland is the author of the book Power, Effectiveness and Spirit. With over twenty-five years of clinical experience in transpersonal psychology, spiritual development, mind-body psychology and attitudinal healing, she specializes in bringing spiritual experience down to earth. For more on her work and for free spiritual healing and growth services see her web site: www.lynnwoodland.com or call 651-642-5405.