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Ask the Swami Dear Swami: Isn’t John Kerry just another rich white guy? After all, both he and George Bush were members of that infamous secret society at Yale, Skull & Bones. And didn’t he use his wife’s deep pocketbook when he needed to win in Iowa? I’d personally be more inclined to vote for you, Swami, a man of clearly humble beginnings. Waylon Wall, San Antonio, Texas Dear Waylon: Well, it is true that John Kerry used Heinz money to play ketchup when he was behind earlier this year, but personally I’d rather have a guy owe a favor to his wife than to ... let’s say, Ken Lay. If you’re gonna be beholden, you might as well be beholden to someone you’d be holdin’ anyway. As for your elitist charge, I resemble that remark. While I do hail from humble beginnings—my dad actually owned a Humble gas station in Muskogee, Oklahoma when I was a kid—my spiritual precocity got me into Yale. I was both psychic and dyslexic, and could predict the past with unerring accuracy. I could go back in time and see exactly what the test questions were going to be. Being dyslexic wasn’t a problem until I tried to pledge a fraternity. Yes, I had political ambitions myself in those days. I was so thrilled when I thought I had been tapped to join Skull & Bones, but after spending half a semester sitting around discussing literature and eating crumpets with nerdy classmates, I realized I’d made a mistake and joined Bull & Scones instead. But don’t cry for me, Argentina. And whatever you do, don’t vote for me! If I win, I’ll only ask for a recount. So which rich white guy should you vote for? I’ll give you a hint. When Ronald Reagan passed away, we lost a Republican ex-President, and now there is a vacancy. May we fill that vacancy with another Republican ex-President this coming fall. Should We Be Doing More With Less? Dear Swami: For years, environmentalists have been talking about doing more with less, and that seems right up my alley, considering I lost my job and my apartment, and just about all of my possessions have been repossessed. I now have nothing, and am virtually homeless. Any advice, Swami? Lucinda Street, Brooklyn, New York Dear Lucinda: You’ve come to the right Swami. Not only have I been doing more with less, I have been doing a whole lot with nothing. Seeing the success I’ve had with my Sound of Silence Meditation Tape, I’ve branched out into an entire line of products that cost nothing to make, use up no resources whatsoever, and are completely recyclable and renewable. Because of the proliferations of toxins in our environment, many people suffer from environmental allergies—like those who cannot stand to be around any kind of perfume. For their benefit I have come up with a completely odorless cologne! And I am marketing it under the brand name, Non-Scents. But back to your situation. My advice is, begin by looking on the bright side. With no possessions, you have thrown off the yoke of consumerism. And having nothing, you can be completely worry-free because you have nothing to lose. You are free from car payments, insurance payments, and utility payments. With nothing to worry about, you are free to hire yourself out to the multitudes of others who are burdened with worries, and charge them each a modest fee to do their worrying for them. I mean, what do you care? It’s not your worry, it’s theirs. And with even just a few dollars a day from even a small portion of all the worried people in Brooklyn, you can make a pretty nice living as a mercenary worrier. Dear Swami: Have you heard about those laughter clubs they have in India? They say that laughter has proven to be good for your health. Juan Leiner, Coral Gables, Florida Dear Juan: Laughter clubs? Well, if they have to actually club you to make you laugh, then it’s for the better. It has been scientifically proven that laughter is good for you. There is the now-famous experiment where a group of college students were put in a room and given hilarious comedy videos to watch. Meanwhile, another group of students were put in another room. This group had to memorize Croatian parables, and they were given an electric shock each time they made a mistake. The results were conclusive. The group watching the comedy had more fun. © Copyright 2004 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved. Visit Swami online at www.wakeuplaughing.com. And check out his latest book, Swami for Precedent: A 7-Step Plan to Heal the Body Politic and Cure Electile Dysfunction. Order it online or call 800-SWAMI-BE. |
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