It’s common now, especially among those on the path, to talk about embracing not only our shining, successful, acceptable side, but also the side we’re not so proud of. We know it is not possible to claim wholeness while excluding much of what makes us who we are. Huge amounts of our energy and talent are bound up in the continual struggle to keep the darkness from leaking out. Shedding light on our weaknesses begins a process that can lead not only to eventual ease and wisdom, but to a life we barely dare to dream. Our former failings truly can become blessings.

When applied to more complex situations, this idea seems to hold up. In two-person relationships, friends, partners, and significant others, Lord knows the shadow sides of both people dictate the dynamics over the long haul. It’s only when two whole people, good sides and bad, are included in the process, that it has any hope for health. How can a situation defined only by the acceptable parts the participants do anything but limp along or die an early death?

It’s easier to see this working in families other than in our own. Favoritism and gender preference are often obvious. In dysfunctional families, it’s not unusual for one child to be selected as the fall guy for all things bad. By definition, family should be inclusive, supportive and safe, but often we only want what’s easy. How many families will slice out one of its members rather than recognize their collective problem, take ownership and then work toward healing?

It seems to me that there has been a trend on the upswing during the last few years. It may be a response to school shootings, or the war on terror making us more paranoid, or maybe it’s a cyclical thing, but schools seem to have a more adversarial relationship with their students than in the recent past. We’ve seen it before. In the late ’60s and the early ’70s, adults were very fearful of kids in general and ones that didn’t conform in particular. I thought we had left that behind, but it again seems that punishment is the preferred method of dealing with troubled students. “Bad kids” are watched for slip-ups and get suspended for fairly trivial infractions. “Good kids” get showered with positive reinforcement. Ironically, many of the most successful people, the colorful ones we are drawn to and most like to hear about, did not have stellar school experiences.

On the national scene, these last few years have been especially troubling. I’m not talking about the issues here so much as the attitude. You’re only a real American if you support the ideas of the current administration. Our President was dismissive toward the millions of American and world citizens who took to the streets to protest the war. If you are against the war, you are against our troops. Only supporters are allowed to attend Bush’s rallies. The message from Washington is that some Americans matter more than others. If you don’t conform, you don’t count at all.

This exclusionary thinking has contributed to the division of our nation. One wonders how we can again attain anything resembling unity after this election. We can get all smug and blame our leaders, but doesn’t it exist, in part, because we tolerate it in ourselves? If we want to attract the right and proper leadership, we need to vote wisely. But we also have to be what we expect in our leaders. We might start by resisting the temptation to exclude that which we don’t like in our own lives. We need to love and accept all sides of ourselves. We need to embrace each other with tolerance and understanding. We need to adjust our thinking to see that all kids are good and worthy of our attention. We may not agree with others’ ideas, we may even think they have bad ideas, but its pointless to label people we disagree with as bad. The strength of our nation depends on all of us creating a space that is big enough to include all of our voices, views, and differences.