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Healing Families, Curing Ourselves By Rebecca Linder-Hintze We all carry forward beliefs and behaviors from our forebears Once upon a time, a young married woman began cooking a ham for dinner. As she cut off both ends and put it in a pan, her husband asked her why she did so, and she answered, “It makes it taste better.” Later, however, she wondered about the process herself, so she called her mother, who’d taught her how to cook. “Why did you tell me to cut off the ends of the ham?” she asked. Her mother said, “I’m really not sure, but I know it makes it taste better. And that’s the way my mother did it.” The young woman then called her grandmother and asked again, “Why do we cut off the ends of the ham?” Her grandmother responded, “Because it won’t fit in my pan otherwise.” Have you ever wondered why you, your brother, sister, cousin, or aunt act just like Great-Grandma or Grandpa, or another close ancestor? As with the young married woman in the story, we all carry forward beliefs and behaviors learned from our forebears. Sometimes we understand them, and sometimes we don’t. They may have made sense in the context of other people’s lives, but they don’t always make sense for us. The story about the ham is a simple and funny example, but many patterns and ideas are much more complex and serious. They can have a far-reaching and tremendous impact, either positive or negative, on the outcome of many lives. For example, if two people marry and have three children, who each marry and have three children, and those grandchildren do the same, and the pattern continues for twelve generations (all marrying and bearing three children), the total number of family members descended from the original couple is approximately 3,188,643 people! Although the young woman in the opening story believed that trimming the ends off the ham improved its flavor, that custom simply originated due to convenience. Once she realized the truth, she checked the size of her roasting pan, discovered that a whole piece of meat would fit, and changed her behavior. We all have experiences that lead us to form conclusions about the world around us; they become “filters” through which we view the world. Ancestors pass theirs down to their descendants, who adopt them both consciously—as purposeful teachings—and subconsciously through absorption. These perceptions of reality become the basis of family belief systems over time. Of course, directives are then added and subtracted based on individual experiences. Nonetheless, assumptions can last for several generations and influence countless family members. Imagine the consequences if the learned behavior in our story wasn’t cutting off the ends of a ham, but was one of thousands of unhealthy actions that mothers and fathers might pass down to their children! As a mother, wife, daughter, therapist, and above all, a human being, I’ve always been driven to understand myself and discover what it might be that I’ll pass on—not to mention what’s been handed down to me by others. In my search to uncover the real me—the spirit self that lies beneath my generations of patterns—I’ve worked to expose many powerful illusions created by false family traditions. Doing so has helped me see myself clearly and thus move on to heal my own dysfunction. To understand me, you must know about an important event in my life. At the age of 14, I contracted Reye’s syndrome, a deadly disease now associated with childhood illnesses and aspirin. This nearly took my life. Because of the faith, prayers, and fasting of family and church members and friends, and because of my own will to live, my condition suddenly changed on the very day I was scheduled for brain surgery that could have left me living in a vegetative state for life. I was released from Georgetown University Medical Center within days—a true miracle. At that time, I was the only known person to have survived Reye’s syndrome without brain damage. Although I don’t fully remember a lengthy or powerful out-of-body, life-after-death experience, I do have one short memory of standing outside my physical self. I have a clear picture in my mind of seeing myself and the monitors around me. I also recall remembering who I am as a spirit being and my life’s purpose—a result of temporarily shifting out of my body. A flood of information came to my consciousness from this near-death experience. Although leaving this earth may have seemed appealing, I know that I chose to stay. In fact, I didn’t consider any other option. Since that time, and perhaps even before then, I’ve had a desire to contribute to the lives of others in a significant way. To accomplish this task, I first worked diligently to uncover my true self. At times, I’ve thought that it might take too long, and I’ve panicked, fearing that I could die before getting it done. I’ve had my share of challenges, but peace has come to me as I’ve realized that all matters work themselves out in this universe. Today, I work as a therapist and a teacher in the field of psychology. I’ve spent years coaching and counseling individuals about how to heal their marriages; family relationships; and pain stemming from abuse, addiction, and abandonment, including helping others identify and turn around patterns of dysfunction that are passed down through the years. My calling has helped me see that the majority of our personal struggles actually originate from our experiences with our families. It makes sense, simply because these people teach us how to think, behave, and believe. Because our perceptions are our reality, and many of our ideas are formed through experiences in our homes, healing our family’s history is key to getting better ourselves. After many years of reconciling old patterns and cracking the code of illusions blocking me and others from self-realization, I’ve been blessed with a beautiful life. My marriage is happy and long-lasting—and what a gift it has been to my children, my husband, and me to learn all that I’ve written about in this book! I pass this vital information along to you in the hopes that you, too, will experience more joy after transcending your limited family perceptions and finding the real you resting somewhere within. True joy will come as you find your spirit self and use your inner knowledge to fulfill a divine and glorious purpose. Traditions and Brick Walls As you begin the five-step process outlined in the book, the first thing you’ll be asked to do is to figure out how your family history has influenced you and what unhealthy traditions you may be currently passing on. Unlike the ends of the ham in the previous story—which were certainly being wasted but not causing any real harm—negative patterns have the potential to become great walls that block us and those we love from achieving success and happiness. Some years ago I discovered a wall in my own family. One day, after a dull weekend of housework and “honey-do” chores, I found my husband, Shane, kicking back in his La-Z-Boy chair, watching an outdoor show on television. As I wandered through the room, he made a comment about his frustrating job as an engineer and, once again, shared his secret wish to spend his life producing and hosting programs like the one he was viewing. Realizing that there might be more to his comment, I took a seat and initiated further conversation. For six months, my dutiful husband had been negotiating a promotion at work. Actually, his goal and consequent efforts to get ahead had been under way for years; but during these prior months, he’d been promised a great new position. Yet, as the days and weeks passed, the job hadn’t fully materialized. Although he’d assumed many new responsibilities and most of the people under him knew about the promotion, his compensation didn’t reflect the change. Furthermore, Shane was now performing two jobs because the tasks of his former position hadn’t been reassigned. Working hard without fair compensation and struggling to get ahead—this story wasn’t just my husband’s. His family history on both sides was full of people who labored long hours, tried to move up, and didn’t receive adequate (let alone abundant) compensation for their efforts. Shane’s experience, although it may have felt like his own, was a direct result of a pattern that continued to dictate his daily existence, along with the lives of many others. He feared that anything besides hard work—which came naturally and easily—might lead to failure. As we sat in the living room that day, I asked my husband a question: “If you were to close your eyes and pull all the energy out of your body that keeps you from moving forward and prevents you from getting what you want, what would it look like?” He responded, “A brick wall.” I continued, “How does the brick wall help you get what you want?” “It doesn’t.” I prompted him further: “But what if a part of you believes that it helps you. Ask that part of you this question: ‘Why do I like this brick wall?’” He opened his eyes with a look of enlightenment and said, “It helps me think outside the box. I have to work hard to get around it, so I learn more and am a more effective problem solver. It helps me do a better job than others.” I wondered, Does it really? And if it’s helping him do better than others, why is he still in the same place? How could a brick wall make him feel better about himself? From my perspective, this was clearly an illusion. Hard work and intelligence were his inherited gifts, but I knew that there must be another way for him to direct his career and avoid the sabotage so prevalent in his family. I could see that this barricade needed to come down. Yet, as Shane carried on, I realized that it wasn’t going to budge—at least not immediately. In fact, when I suggested that he envision it crumbling, he was unwilling to try. Instead, he maintained that the barrier was a good thing and admitted that he wasn’t ready to let it go. Wow—what a revelation! The obstacle that stood between my husband and his career goal was a wall that he wasn’t willing to move. Every family has hidden belief systems and false traditions that are passed down through the generations. We may be aware of the physical history of our ancestors; for example, we may know if we’re predisposed to cancer and heart disease. But most of us don’t work to discover our families’ predispositions to emotional and spiritual roadblocks, which, in the end, may be as vital to our success, health, and well-being as our knowledge of medical history. For Shane and others like him, financial success, less work and more play, and the confidence to pursue a dream won’t become reality until a false tradition is identified, challenged, and fully transcended—until that brick wall finally crumbles. A parent has the greatest potential to be that instrumental person, because Mom and Dad are the most powerful facilitators for change in families. From the moment of our conception, parents play the largest role in establishing how we feel about life, ourselves, and the world around us. They guide and direct our perceptions of our environment. Excerpted from Healing Your Family History, by Rebecca Linder-Hintze. Published by Hay House, it is available at retail and online bookstores.
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