Momfulness as a Spiritual Practice

By Denise Roy

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It is no longer only about us. The “I” has become a “we,”
and nothing is ever the same

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So there I was, twenty-seven years old, waddling down the aisle to the front of the church to receive my diploma. I carried my eighteen-month-old son in my arms and my soon-to-be-born second son in my belly.

     After four years of studying at a seminary, I was receiving a Master of Divinity degree. I wanted to be a minister, to put into practice the teachings and values of love, compassion, forgiveness, peace. What I was just beginning to grasp, as a very new mother, was that my spiritual practice was ultimately not going to involve preaching to a choir but, rather, preaching to my kids! It was not going to take place primarily in a church, breaking bread and sharing wine; more often than not, it was going to take place in the kitchen, serving up graham crackers and chocolate milk.

     As the mother of four children (and the foster mom of a fifth), I can attest to the fact that motherhood leaves stretch marks on us—in so many ways! I have been stretched physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. My limited notion of what constitutes a family has widened, and I have been pulled (sometimes kicking and screaming) into the present moment. Through great challenges and even greater love, my heart has grown to hold more than I ever thought possible.

     Motherhood continues to stretch me to this day, and I see no end in sight. It teaches lessons that many spiritual disciplines teach: the transforming effect embodiment, the recognition of the sacred in all things, and the power of community. When we mother with mindfulness and compassion and a willingness to let this vocation awaken our hearts and transform our lives, we walk a spiritual path. We discover that care for our children and family is not a distraction from sacred practice but is the very essence of it.

Momfulness Is Mindful

     Simply put, mindfulness is being aware of whatever is happening in the present moment without making any judgment. We observe what is happening here, now, including in our own body and mind. Are we feeling boredom? Anger? Fear? Delight? Are we telling ourselves how things should or should not be? Just notice it all. When we are mindful, we become aware and accepting of whatever is there.

     What’s not so simple is the actual practice of mindfulness. I don’t know about you, but I probably spend 98.9 percent of my life not having a clue about what is really happening in this present moment. We have gazillions of thoughts: we worry, we feel stress, we become attached to life going a certain way. We race from one job to another without being in touch with our bodies or with what we need. Many days we barely make eye contact with our family. We tend to live mindlessly, caught up in the world of our thoughts, judgments, and obligations. We think that this is reality, and we end up missing so much.

     See if you can spend a day, or even a few minutes, eavesdropping on your mind. My guess is that you’ll discover a continual tape recording going on in your head. You might be thinking about something that happened yesterday, or you might be worrying about something that could happen tomorrow. You might be telling yourself that you’re not good enough, smart enough, or thin enough, or that your child is spoiled. Just relax and be curious about it all.

Momfulness Is Compassionate

     The English word compassion comes from the Latin meaning “to suffer with.” It is defined as a deep awareness of the suffering of another, together with the wish to relieve it. In Hebrew, the word for compassion is raham, which comes from the word rehem, meaning “womb.” To be compassionate is to feel for another with your womb, to hold the person with love, as you might hold a child in your womb.

     In practicing Momfulness, we cultivate compassion, not only for others but also for ourselves. We increase our ability to see our own suffering—how tired we are, how hard we are working, how much we don’t know. We develop the capacity to forgive ourselves, to love ourselves, and to give ourselves some of what we need. Our hearts open, and we make friends with even the most difficult experiences of our lives.

     As we become more tolerant and compassionate with ourselves, we are able to extend that compassion toward our children. We recognize how they suffer, and we are able to better understand what underlies some of their difficult behavior. This awareness increases the chance that we will respond in a helpful, rather than reactive, way.

     Our compassion extends beyond our family; we feel in our wombs the suffering of so many in our community and in our world. Rather than let this overwhelm us, we continue to practice, strengthening our capacity to hold suffering instead of avoiding it or numbing ourselves to it. As our hearts open, we awaken into helpful and compassionate action.

Momfulness Is Mothering

     Becoming a mother changes us forever. Our psychological, spiritual, physical, and emotional boundaries all undergo a profound shift. As Elizabeth Stone once said, “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” It is no longer only about us. The “I” has become a “we,” and nothing is ever the same.

     Mothering is not just about apple pie and sweetness. The archetype of Mother is a complex one. Our mothering can be nurturing, protective, and creative—or fierce or destructive, if necessary. In practicing Momfulness, we pay attention to how our mothering might need to shift with various circumstances. We learn how to step into an empowering mothering stance and develop a wide range to our mothering.

     In practicing Momfulness, we mother not only our children, but also ourselves. When I work with clients, often the work is in helping them find a mothering and nurturing parent within themselves. Too often, their inner voice is a harsh and critical one. As they develop a positive mothering presence within themselves, they are better able to soothe themselves when they are feeling stressed or anxious. Then they are able to mother their own kids in a much more helpful way.

Momfulness Is About Presence

     When I ask people in seminars, “What is it you long for?” the number one answer I hear is, “More time!” So I pretend to wave a magic wand that gives us all twelve more hours in each day. After the glee and downright giddiness of imagining twelve more hours to nap or exercise or empty the “In” basket or the laundry basket, reality begins to hit the participants. They realize that by tomorrow, their calendars would start filling up again, and in about a week or so they’d be complaining that they still don’t have enough time. Amazing how quickly those extra hours would disappear!

     So, if it’s not more time that is the magical solution, what is it? I suggest that much of the problem at the root of our longing lies in the fact that we don’t feel really present in the time that we do have. In the limited twenty-four hours of this day, are we showing up? Are we really here? Now? Are we home, in the deepest meaning of that word?

     Our ability to be present has a profound effect, not only on the quality of our own lives, but on our families’ lives as well. As mothers, our interactions with our children quite literally shape the structure and the functions of their brains. This fact alone suggests that the practice of Momfulness, in which we work on connecting with ourselves and with our children in a fully present way, has important long-term implications.

Momfulness Involves Cultivating

     Cultivate is a gardening term; it is from the Latin word meaning “to till.” This definition is apropos to Momfulness: we cultivate a mindful, compassionate, mothering presence. We loosen up the ground within us, we turn it over, we tend it, we promote growth, and we get to know ourselves in a friendly way.

     Cultivating, like gardening, is not a linear process, where we start at Point A and move in a straight line to Outcome B (sorry!). Cultivating works with all the earthy elements of life: rainy seasons, droughts, pests, sunshine, weeds, the good, the bad, and the ugly. No matter what happens, it’s grist for the mill; we can use it all to our benefit. We simply begin noticing, listening, and observing what’s happening inside us and around us, and develop a mind-set that says, “Oh, isn’t that interesting!” instead of making judgments about it all.

     As we cultivate mindfulness and compassion, we strengthen our ability to understand what we need, what our child needs, what a moment needs. We also begin to realize that we can’t pull on growing things to make them come up any sooner. Patience is a key to cultivating things in a healthy way.

     So each and every day we cultivate our own little plot of mindfulness, of compassion, of a mothering presence, guided and supported by grace. We practice Momfulness for our children, being mother to them in such a way that they might thrive. We practice Momfulness for ourselves, being a mother to ourselves in such a way that we might thrive. And we practice Momfulness for our world, mobilizing the powerful, fierce, wise, and nurturing mothering presence in such a way that all children—all beings—might thrive.

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Adapted from Momfulness: Mothering with Mindfulness, Compassion, and Grace by Denise Roy. Reprinted with permission of Jossey-Bass, San Francisco, CA, www.josseybass.com or 877-762-2974. Denise Roy, LMFT, M.Div., is an award winning author, a psychotherapist, and a popular speaker on the topics of personal and spiritual growth, parenting, and women's issues. Visit her website at www.DeniseRoy.com.

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