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Day of Reckoning, Beckoning By Pearl Hoffman They shout and make various noises; short, belch, hoot and screech.
Although Homo sapiens were never officially invited to meetings of The Society for Anthropoid Understanding of Collateral Beings, to bow to political corrections and as an act of social reciprocity, they were allowed, in the past, to attend. For reasons SAUCB’S newly elected governing staff has refused to disclose, notice had been issued that Homo sapiens would not be permitted to attend the April 15, 2007 meeting of SAUCB. I questioned the announcement’s discriminatory overtone, to no avail, but I believed that it was especially important that someone on Man’s side of the “family” be there to witness and record this event. I arrived at the Tree House Inn in Bubbly Hills, California, at dawn on the morning of April 15. I found a secluded place adjacent to the area where the meeting would be held; a spot that would allow me to record the event in secrecy. I set up my camera and recording equipment, and within 30 minutes the members began to arrive. The following is an account of the introductory speech given by Chairman Gabby Gibbon, a Primate who enjoys considerable prominence within this prestigious group. He approached the dais with an easy stride and began to speak. “Good afternoon, my fellow anthropoids. Welcome to the Spring meeting of SAUCB. It is my great privilege to introduce a scientist who really needs no introduction, the Honorable Dr. Orangu Tan of the San Diego Animal Compound. “Dr. Tan has spent his adult life observing and studying humanization, the reciprocal evolution of certain human traits in the genus Homo to their primate ancestors. From the onset of his study, Dr. Tan noted the remarkable resemblance of physical attributes of the genus Homo to our biological branch of hominid. He has four limbs, each with five digit appendages, four types of teeth, (32 in all), a well-developed cerebrum and cerebellum, and a relatively slow postnatal development. “Although we do not agree with the Homo sapiens’ arrogant anthropocentric ratings, it appears that they have observed and diligently copied our behavioral patterns. They shout and make various noises; short, belch, hoot and screech. Dr. Tan has documented their copious activities. They slide down hills, climb ropes, hang from bars and rings, do somersaults, hit small things with a stick and throw balls through hoops. They engage in special grooming exercises and examine and expose their private parts, often to gain attention. It appears they make great effort to ape our behavior, within, of course, their limited capabilities. “It is claimed that imitation is the highest form of flattery, but. unfortunately, some of their personal behavioral patterns have taken on a disturbing attribute; irrational rage, cruelty to children, drug use, alcohol abuse, to name just a few. It is this unacceptable conduct that has become of great concern to Dr. Tan. “In the beginning, Dr. Tan’s colleagues chose to disregard his concerns, believing his issues to be of dichotomous reasoning and homomorphic generalization. They considered most negative human conduct as isolated events, importance-enhanced by behaviorist dogma. They have since come to realize the potential of Homo sapiens ancestor relationship to the anthropoid genus. The scientific community recognizes the strong possibility that such disturbing humanoid conduct may, one day, adversely reflect upon the anthropoid reputation, and action must be taken to prevent the development of symmetrical relationship. “Dr. Tan will discuss the methods and applications of various behavioral therapies, formulated to immunize our species from undesirable hominid fallout. “Without further delay, please welcome our illustrious speaker, the most honorable Dr. Orangu Tan!” At that very moment the flowering bush I was hiding behind made its scent known to my allergy, causing me to sneeze several times. I found myself confronted by two formidable security gorillas and was unceremoniously ejected from the area. I had to leave my camera behind, but was able to remove my recorder, thereby retaining Chairman Gibbon’s remarks and introduction. I was unable to record Dr. Tan’s discourse on the corrective measures he proposed be taken, but I am passing on the information I have been able to obtain. May it serve as a warning, that Man’s day of reckoning is, most surely, beckoning! Dr. Orangu Tan, renown scientist, is Editor/Publisher of The Anthology of Ethnology, and Editor-Emeritus of Readers Digress. He has authored two books, Anthropomorphism; Truth or Confliction? and The Study of Animal Angst, and he is the recipient of the coveted Youbetcha Primate Fellowship Award.
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