Dear Swami:
Is global warming real? Are we humans causing it? Or is this just another scam to get us back into building nuclear plants? There’s an awful lot of spin on both sides, but I figured if anyone could unspin the spin and cut to the chase, Swami, you can do it.
— Lou Stuhlz, Emporium, Pennsylvania
Dear Lou:
Well, I’m glad you think so. Remember those newsreels of Gandhi spinning away at the spinning wheel? Now it’s just the opposite. Nonviolent activists these days have to spend their time unspinning the spun yarn, trying to uncover the naked truth under there somewhere. I can’t say that I’ve totally unraveled the yarn, but it sure does seem that special interests are especially interested in cooling the climate change story. Take the oil companies—please! As long as the business climate is hot, global warming is cool with them.
So what do we do? I’m glad I asked that question. Instead of taking sides, let’s look at it from a different angle. What if we do nothing and it turns out global warming is for real? Even if it doesn’t get the human race an “F” in third dimension, it certainly won’t look good on our Permanent Record. But what if we take necessary steps, and it turns out the global warming wake up call was just a false alarm? Well, let’s see. We will have developed renewable energy, sustainable economy and global community. As sure as the sun comes up every morning, we will have energy so abundant we won’t need armies to defend it. So what if we have to trick ourselves into doing it? Sure, the joke will be on us, but we will have the last laugh anyway. And by the way, I’ve already taken steps to reduce my footprint. I am wearing smaller shoes.
Dear Swami:
This may not seem like much of a problem to you, but I feel very limited in my life, and it’s all because of my name. Yes, I have a famous last name, DeMille. But I’m not Cecil B. DeMille, or Agnes DeMille. I’m Ronna DeMille. I mean, ho hum. Nobody can get excited about me, and I can’t get excited about myself. Swami, I’m stuck. You must give me some advice.
— Ronna DeMille, Evansville, Indiana
Dear Ronna,
Well, there’s that old saying, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” Of course, it’s something else entirely when the name they are calling you is actually your own name. As the great Native American shaman Broken Wind once told me, names hold a vibration. I know his certainly did. Then there was the guy who wrote me to say that he was always broke and in debt. Wouldn’t you know it? His name was Owen Cash. I told him he needed to shift his emphasis. So he, changed his name to O. Wynn Cash, and ended up breaking the bank in Las Vegas. But, back to you. There are only two things you need to know. First, what people think about you is none of your business. Second, you are a figment of your own imagination. So, here’s my advice. Spell your name backwards, move to Maui, and tell everyone you’re from the Pleiades. Annor Ellimed. Has a nice sound to it.
Dear Swami:
I have to wonder what kind of collective mental illness we have in America where a public-minded prosecutor like Elliot Spitzer can be brought down in days when he runs afoul of Wall Street. Meanwhile, the Bush Administration has violated national laws, international laws, and our collective moral sensibilities, and somehow that’s okay. I wouldn’t put it past them to bomb Iran while they’re still in office. I’m concerned, and I’m wondering if there is anything we can do to head off that horrific possibility.
— Tristan Schaute, Cambridge, Mass.
Dear Tristan,
I’m afraid we now have a new affliction to add to the panoply of diseases our poor body politic is suffering from. Along with Mad Cowboy Disease, Deficit Inattention Disorder, Irony Deficiency and Truth Decay, we now have Spitzerphrenia. That is where you can be nailed for screwing a prostitute, but if you screw the entire world, you get off scot-free.
Regarding your other question, we must bring the Iranian and American people together to face the one danger we share in common—our lowest common dominator misleaders under the influence of unfun fundamentalism, motivated by fear instead of love. This mutually-reinforcing terror is a loco motive that has us on track for a train wreck.
That is why the unarmed forces of both nations must be willing to take up arms in a totally new way. Yes, that’s right. Arms. Only this time, we are to use our arms in the only appropriate way—for hugging. Imagine a preemptive peace ceremony where ordinary American and Iranian citizens stand in front of one another in complete attention, present arms, and hug. And then the whole world can be put at ease.
Dear Swami:
I’m thinking of hiring you as a spiritual adviser. How accurate are your past predictions?
— Randi Holway-Holm, Albuquerque, New Mexico
Dear Randi:
Past predictions? 100% accurate. I can predict the past with uncanny accuracy. If it’s already happened, you can count on me to tell you. If it hasn’t happened yet, that’s trickier. After all, this is a universe of infinite possibilities. You’ve heard of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle? Well, now they’re not even sure that is true. Even so, the best way to predict the future is by accurately assessing the present. In other words, if we keep going where we are headed, we are likely to end up there. As for making me your adviser, I have to tell you it is not advisable. For one thing, anyone who asks me for advice is already in so much trouble, that it is doubtful I can help. So, here is my policy: I am happy to offer you advice, provided you promise not to take it.
Dear Swami:
I noticed a while back you suggested a name change to an individual suffering from bad luck. I may have a similar problem. I’m sure my Vietnamese parents didn’t mean me any harm, but I think they’ve put me at a distinct disadvantage. Not only that, but I recently had my astromusicological chart done and found out I was born under the song sign, “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.” Can you help me, Swami?
— Ho Lai Minh, Santa Clara, California
Dear Ho,
Wow. Having said that, I realize you’re in more trouble than I imagined. So, yes. A name change can make a huge difference. Like the guy who came to me with money issues. His name was Osborne Poe. We made the switch, and now he’s Richard Denhue. Then there was the unsuccessful football player, Ben Schwarmer. He became Linus Grimmage, and his name is synonymous with football. For you? Well, you might try Hugo Farr. And while you’re making changes, change your birthdate. They won’t let you do it in California, but if you just drive to Nevada, you can legally change your date of birth. You’d only have to become six months older to be born under the Beatles, “I Feel Fine.”
© Copyright 2008 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved. To find out about Swami’s fun products and upcoming shows, go to www.wakeuplaughing.com or call 800 SWAMI-BE.
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