Dear Swami:

     I have impulses and habits that wreck my will power—the one thing I need to overcome the bad habits. What do you recommend?

— Malik E. Fawcett,

     Detroit , Michigan

Dear Malik,

     Hopefully one of your bad habits is procrastinating. If so, then next time you have the urge to turn an impulse into an out-pulse, call on the positive power of procrastination, and simply put it off.

Dear Swami:

     What on earth will I do with the rest of my life after enlightenment? Being a seeker has kept me busy all these years ... searching, finding and discarding ... it has given me a sense of purpose in life—I shall be lost without it and with nothing to achieve, I might as well be dead.

— Kirsten Spatapahn,

     Minneapolis , Minnesota

Dear Kirsten:

     Well, you know what they say. Before enlightenment, do the dishes. After enlightenment, do the dishes ... but they’re forty percent brighter. Maybe you need to take a break from your purposeful activities, and get a sense of porpoise instead. Go swim with the dolphins. And if you want to help humankind, you can help spread human kindness. This is particularly important when you feel weighed down by the gravity of world conditions. Just attune in to the levitational forces and you will find the corners of your mouth being pulled upward in a smile. You may not be aware of it, but smiling is contagious. You can start an epidemic, and just like that increase the laugh force on the planet. Now if you really want to speed up evolution by having enlightening strike twice as often, you can get enlightened with a friend as part of my Buddysattva program.

Dear Swami:

     I would love to know your take on the whole idea of “mind viruses” and “memes” —these thought forms that are spread through mass media. How do we keep from being infected with negativity, or worse yet, infecting others unconsciously? (I have my mental floss at the ready, just in case.)

— Frieda Mind,

     Fredericksburg , Texas                     

Dear Frieda:

     It is good that you are prepared. Given that the mainstream media is a brainwashing machine stuck on spin, both truth decay and malconclusion are rampant. That’s why four out of five transcendentists recommend mental floss to dislodge all the superfluous “flossify” that has lodged itself between the ears.

     One of the greatest causes of truth decay is mistaking one’s own beliefs for reality. Believe me, what people believe is truly unbelievable. And the secret for releasing unbelievable beliefs? You won’t believe it. It is silence. That is why I have labored to produce Swami’s Ultimate Meditation tape, which is completely blank. You may have heard meditation tapes before, but until you hear this, you ain’t heard nothing.

     Now finally—and perhaps most importantly—the way to avoid being infected with negative belief viruses is to avoid being negative, period. That is why I have launched my Just Say No to Negativity campaign where our slogan is, “Positively no negativity.” For example, perhaps your kids are driving you batty. Could it be that you have been reinforcing their negativity by responding negatively to them? If that is so, you must positively reverse course, and speak only positive words. Imagine how your teenaged son will respond when he hears, “Get out of bed, you useful good-for-something! What’s right with you, anyway?” And imagine how exasperating it will be to your adversaries when they hear you good-mouthing them for no reason.