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Leonard was yelling at his wife, “Damn it, Mary, when are you going to give me any respect? I work all day long and come home to a messy house and dinner isn’t even started. What do you do all day?!”
Mary was clearly intimidated. She was sitting wordlessly on the couch while he stood threateningly above her, clenching his fists as if he would hit her. She was hugging herself in a desperate attempt at self-protection, while the tears gave away her fear and pain.
No question here. This is obviously abusive and unhealthy anger. How about this next example:
Tammie in a loud voice, “I’m so pissed off at you Phil. You did it again. You said you’d be home at six, and it’s now seven. You don’t care shit about me.”
“I’m really sorry Tammie. The traffic was bad and I wanted ...”
“I’m not done Phil. It’s only been one week since the last time you were late. I don’t trust your word anymore. You say you’re going to do something, and then you don’t. Don’t I matter to you?”
“Of course you matter, I tried to call but only got your voice mail.”
“Always with the excuses. I’m tired of your excuses. You don’t mean anything you say. I’m done with this marriage!”
Is Tammie’s anger healthy or unhealthy? While definitely healthier than Leonard’s, it is still not healthy.
Lana and Cade went through the same scenario and here’s how they dealt with it:
“Cade, I feel hurt and angry. You said you’d be home at six, and
it’s now seven. I felt scared that something might have happened to you.”
“I’m really sorry Lana. The traffic was bad, but that’s no excuse. I should’ve called you.”
“I’m just feeling disrespected, hurt and angry.”
Lana is being healthy with her anger. Why? Because she has made no blanket accusations like Tammie’s, “You don’t care shit about me. I don’t trust your word anymore. You don’t mean anything you say.” She allowed Cade to speak without cutting him off. She didn’t make threats like Tammie’s, “I’m done with this marriage!” Instead, she kept to “I” statements, letting Cade know how she felt, rather than making him wrong or shaming him.
Expressing anger is rarely enjoyable to your partner, but it
