can still be healthy and safe. I remember going through a phase in our early relationship where I felt expressing anger was definitely not healthy or safe. Joyce would express her anger and I would repress my anger, and even put her down for getting angry. Because that didn’t work for her, her anger would then escalate to the next higher level. This would feel intolerable to me, and I would leave, regardless of where we were. Definitely not healthy on my part.

     One day, we were outside the house, and Joyce was expressing anger at me. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I yelled at her in anger. First there was a look of shock on her face, then gradually a smile appeared and she reached out and hugged me. She was actually thanking me for my anger.

     I have stopped holding in my anger. Sometimes I go to the other extreme and let it out too loudly. At those times I imagine Joyce wishes I would go back to the way I was. But she assures me she would rather have me yell too loudly than not at all.

     Ideally, most anger can be headed off by addressing the feelings underneath, which are usually hurt or fear. When these deeper feelings are expressed and acknowledged, there often is no need for anger. For example, it is unavoidable for Joyce and me to sometimes say or do something that triggers hurt feelings in the other. Usually this is completely unintentional. Our goal is to say something like, “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me by saying/doing ______, but it did hurt me.” I have to admit, Joyce is better at it than me. When she makes that statement, it helps me in two ways. First, it acknowledges that I didn’t mean to hurt her. This is very important to me, often preventing me from going to an old tape, “I’m a bad boy,” or “I can’t ever do it right.” Second, it allows me room to hear her hurt and immediately apologize, which can